HUNTSVILLE – With self-cleaning air scrubbers, a generator loud enough to drown out your children’s complaints that your generation destroyed the planet, and a tunnel to a grandparents’ annex that can be permanently sealed off if rationing becomes an issue, timeshares in this northern Ontario nuclear bunker have been moving quickly this week.
“The Dear-God-Why-Us Mews have been selling well since November the 8th, 2016,” says local doomsday developer Gordon Greely, part of the team behind the project, which promises, “fractional ownership for a fractured future.”
“While admittedly the curb appeal of this type of bunker is mostly situational, the rise of loud thumping of chests on the global political scene has lead to a definite uptick in interest in our properties. Especially amongst those who can’t afford to own their own subterranean escape shelter, but would still like to think they stand a chance should the proverbial populism hit the fan. Because who doesn’t want to own their own piece of a dream nightmare?”
This particular unit – a three bedroom, no windows beauty that comes with a 25-year warranty on the complimentary can opener you receive if you purchase before the United States pulls out of the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons – recently sold for $55,000 for a 1/10th ownership, with an additional $2100 in annual maintenance fees (which mostly go towards paying for new sedatives as the old ones expire, and keeping the magazines up to date).
“The most common question we get is: what happens if it isn’t your week when nuclear Armageddon arrives,” Greely says, finishing the tour in the living room, where the walls are decorated with inoffensive art that say things like “Home Is Where The Radiation Levels Are Non-Lethal,” and “Dance Like No One’s Left.”
“To which our standard response is: if you’re lucky you’ll be near the epicentre. And maybe you should consider purchasing more than one share.”