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Toronto Uses Notwithstanding Clause To Replace Doug Ford With Jennifer Keesmaat

 

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The city says she starts tomorrow.

TORONTO – Using an electoral mechanism known as the Notwithstand This Clause Bucko, the citizens of Toronto have tonight made the most of their curtailed municipal election, appointing Jennifer Keesmaat to the position of Premier of Ontario.

While it remains uncertain whether Ms. Keesmaat is prepared to govern at the provincial level, or what her platform for the position might be, experts agree that puts her in the exact same position as Mr. Ford was in when he took office just a few long months ago. Setting her apart is her ability to speak in entire sentences, and having run a whole campaign. 

Scholars are expected to spend the next few days puzzling over the constitutionality of Toronto unilaterally telling Doug Ford to go fuck himself, but the city remains certain it is well within its rights.

“If provincial bodies can tell federal ones what to do, it follows that municipal bodies can tell provincial ones where to stick their premiers,” said the Toronto city clerk, who went out of her way to say that she is not at all bitter about having had to juggle two potential formats so close to an election, not in the slightest why would any one think that? “With that in mind, we added an option for Torontonians to say, ‘Excuse me we’d like to return this one. It just keeps talking about beer, and waving its arms back and forth like its trying to clap but can’t reach.'”

The win for Keesmaat explains how John Tory managed to lead the clearly better prepared, more capable candidate in the polls. The city of Toronto, in its manifest wisdom and infinite patience, was saving Ms. Keesmaat for bigger things.

Reached for comment Former Premier Doug Ford let out a gargled yell and managed to turn even redder than usual. Physicists are working on a name for the new shade. The early leader is ‘Belligerundy.’

And, as if that wasn’t enough good new for one evening, Toronto’s longstanding councillor, Giorgio Mammoliti, was also shown the door. A small crowd of cockroaches gathered to support the former Ward 7 representative, and eventually carried him away to live in a subterranean dwelling with them, where the insects say they will attempt to teach him things like feelings, and insight. He is not expected to ever be seen again.

While the battle to remove the entrenched Ontario PC party from their offices in Queen’s Park will begin at the crack of dawn tomorrow, and promises to involve many legal maneuvers on the part of the desperate-for-power-after-all-these-years Conservatives, the residents of the city say they have spoken.

“That’s right. We called the notwithstanding clause. And if they go quietly we’ll let half of them stay.”

 

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