EL PASO – “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, it’s just like the story of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” shouted an excited Fox News host today, as he watched footage of a group of migrants bravely making their way across foreign lands, forced to travel vast distances because of factors beyond their control. Just like the parents of the son of God. In. The. Bible.
Research indicates this is the same B-I-B-L-E that many Americans say is the book for them when it comes to deciding how best to live their lives. Which explains why so many people in the United States are so very excited about getting to welcome these tired travellers.
“Honey!!” shouts Jim Jussapos, a machinist in El Paso, Texas. “Where’s my goddammed frankincense?! You know I like to have it near the door in case any of those there migrants look tired or in need. And did you put in the order for more myrrh? You better overnight it. Trump says we gotta be ready. They’re coming!”
The last two words are shouted in triumph. Mr. Jussapos, like the rest of this primarily God-fearing town, is having a hard time containing himself at this clear opportunity to do God’s good work.
“Well, I’m a simple man,” says Fitch Erdamen, a pastor in Tucson, Arizona, running one hand slowly along the pearlescent finish of his black Mercedes C300 4MATIC Coupe, with oxblood interior. “And while I know that some Americans are concerned that these people are coming here with ill intent, to maybe freeload or work harder than us or something like that, I also know there’s no way anyone who thinks that is a Christian. Imagine being afraid that some of these people might be coming from the Middle East. Ain’t happening for one. And for two, that’s Jesus home turf dangit. You can’t be throwing that around like it’s some sorta pejorative. Lordamercy.”
President Donald Trump himself, probably the truest example of a modern American Christian to ever sit in the White House, was the first to raise awareness around the approaching opportunity the United States now has to demonstrate that the spirit of the God-man they profess to follow – who eschewed personal comforts and gave to whomever was in need whatever he had to give – lives on in the selfless spirit that continues to make America great. Again.
“Lotta good hombres in that troupe headed our way, you gotta think,” Trump said, shortly after finishing his morning interfaith breakfast, and signing a new treaty dedicated to peace on earth, and goodwill to all men. “And we’re ready for them. I’ve even called in the military, just to make sure that as soon as those folks hit the Rio Grande we are there with food, blankets, and kind words.”
“After all,” the president added, looking around with his usual modesty, and gentleness of spirit. “Jesus didn’t say, ‘Build unto others a wall, even as you would have others pay for that wall,’ now did he?”