100% Of All Sea Cucumbers Have No Idea What A Trump Is


A sea cucumber, who says he wouldn’t know how to get Fox News if he wanted to. Which he doesn’t.

On yet another slow news day in a world that continues to tick along with the efficiency of a British exit, the precision of an Italian far-right government, and the painless progress of American winning, marine biologists from the University of Everything Is Better When It Is Wetter (Under The Seaaaa Campus) revealed a startling fact about the humble sea cucumber: It has never heard of the current president of the United States. And really couldn’t give an asexual-water-fuck less about what he says or thinks about anything, thank you very much. 

“While we believe this enviable lack of awareness may extend to other organisms, sea cucumbers were the first species we asked,” said lead researcher Dr. V. R. Straun. “Primarily because they were close at hand, don’t move very quickly, and generally Mr. Trump polls well amongst creatures who call the shallow-ends of the world home. So we were a little surprised to register zero recognition of the Trump brand amongst the underwater dwellers.”

As with most echinoderms, sea cucumbers are notoriously apolitical; a luxury they are afforded by living beneath the surface of the ocean and bending only to timeless currents – their life cycles dictated by patterns of passing clouds on sandy ocean bottoms, and storms that rise and fall with the predictable violence, and ensuing peace, of a Republican majority giving way to not that.

“Considered the canaries of the ocean coal mine, ancient Hawaiian lore predicts that when the the sea cucumbers unite as one … well … there will be a lot of sea cucumbers in a single place, and they will still be really nice, and kind of hilarious to look at. Just like they have been for millions of years.” Dr. Straun related, trying to calm a room full of jittery journalists, many of whom had been repeatedly checking their phones for news from the outside world. 

Fielding questions at the end of the illuminating briefing, Straun was asked to provide an example of an interaction with the colourful, gender-fluid creatures. After reflecting for a moment she said she could remember finding one that she was particularly certain had to have heard of the most divisive leader in American history. 

“She – or he, it’s impossible to tell their sex externally – was living just a little ways off the coast of Florida. With that proximity to people I felt certain that here was a sea cucumber who had to have overhead some shouted exclamation about the president, or maybe slowly migrated past a bar gyrating to the round-the-clock news cycle.”

The doctor described diving down, introducing herself, and making small talk about nutrient currents, and the joys of body part regeneration after having self-mutilated to dissuade interested predators. Then she popped the question.

“I asked if they had ever heard of a guy called Donald Trump.”

“Nope. Never,” the sea cucumber reportedly told her. Dr. Straun then offered to explain who that person was. The small organism immediately declined.

“Oh, please don’t. It might ruin the ambiance.”

The stately tube then retreated, at a reasonable pace, to continue its untroubled existence of sustained and utter peace. The lucky fucker.




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