WASHINGTON, DC – “It could just be a blip in the data,” FBI Director Christopher Wray was quick to caution, in a hastily convened press conference in Washington, DC, as the United States grappled with yet another high profile incidence of violence.
Speaking less than a day after 11 people lost their lives in a synagogue on a cold, wet Saturday morning in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Director Wray said that by using the most powerful computer in the world to crunch oceans of data, his agency believes it may be close to a significant breakthrough in the hunt to discover the source of the rash of inexplicable violence the United States is currently experiencing.
“After running a number of multi-dimensional spectrum analyses, inverting the data through a virtual flux capacitor, and then reconstituting it in braille on the surface of the sun, the JFC – as we call the machine – appears to have determined that the men involved in the two hate-crime related shootings, and the attempted bombings, share one or two subtle traits in common. Commonalities that have been twisted in a very specific way, and then exacerbated by an inflammatory influence of some sort. We aren’t yet certain what exactly that influence might be, but it would have to be absolutely everywhere to have had such a widely felt impact. Our search continues on that front.”
The tragedy in Pittsburgh comes at the end of a week in which a white man shot two black people in the parking lot of a grocery store in Kentucky – after being unable to enter his primary target, a predominantly black church – and in which the United States Postal Service was used to deliver 13 bombs to prominent Americans. In a remarkably short period of time the super computer has already detected that all of the intended bomb recipients are: A) famous, and B) have at one time or another belonged to the AAA. This revelation has led investigators to believe there may be a third, more significant common denominator amongst the targets that has yet to be noted, one that could shed light on why a man who thinks being a Trump supporter is a decor choice as much as a personal calling might have had it in for a group of famous people who at some stage enjoyed having reliable roadside assistance.
“We’ve already processed nearly 400 billion datasets,” Wray explained to the packed press conference. “And as surely as JFC stands for exactly what you think it does, we will not rest until we have determined exactly what it is that ties these crimes together. Now if you’ll excuse me, the president has asked for an update on how this all relates to the very hard time the media has been giving him. Thank you for your time.”