TORONTO – In a high society event attended by a who’s who of Canadian DIYers, amateur gardeners, and alternative currency collectors, one of this country’s flagship retailers today unveiled an entirely unexpected line of new scents: Canadian Tire’s Aisle Essences.
“The concept behind this exciting new series of elegant eaus, is an attempt to capture something of the polished-linoleum, ‘je ne sais froid’ of each individual aisle of the olfactory buffet contained in your average, everyday Canadian Tire store,” said Bob Grundy, in-house perfumer for the national retail fixture.
“For example, I particularly like the scents to be found in Aisles 6-10, which are a pleasing blend of radial tire notes, pine air freshener overtones, unadulterated lubricants, with a whiff of vinyl. Not to mention the sports’ aisles. Nothing says adventure like the smell of hockey pucks and mouth guards,” the professional nose said to those gathered at the packed black-parka event, most of whom later admitted they were just looking for a sales associate. “These scents are the perfect accompaniment for buying a bike in your pyjamas, or sizing up fishing rods while your child wanders into the garden shears section unattended.”
Canadian Tire’s foray into the perfume market follows a trend amongst mainstay brands looking to capitalize on their name recognition by encouraging customers to effectively spray capitalism on themselves. Results have been mixed, with companies such as Danier Leather and the Ontario Cannabis Store having no trouble convincing Canadians to smell like their products. But others, like the B.C. Salmon Recyclers Association, Porta-Potty Canada, and the Toronto Zoo, having had markedly less success.
For his part, Mr. Grundy says Canadian Tire remains certain their new line of scents will be a big hit with Canadian shoppers, not least because the bottles all come with a free ice scraper and voucher for a windshield chip repair.
“And you show me one of those fancy fragrances, the ones with an accent over some of the letters, that can double as an automotive lubricant and lock de-icer like our Essence line can,” Grundy demands of a shopper he has managed to cornered by the automated check-outs. “Yes of course it’s safe. Just so long as you don’t get any on your skin. But that’s all covered in the operator’s manual.”
The unisex perfumes are scheduled for a nation-wide roll out by the end of this week – just in time for the holiday rush of shoppers looking to give that diehard Canadian Tirer in their lives the gift of smelling like DEET and tents.