News

Hope In US Midterms, As Exit Polls Show 50.01% Have Voted Against Eating More Glue

A tempting bottle of toxins, illegally stumping at a polling station. 

It appears sense may be returning to the land that invented the Turducken, string cheese, and deep-fried butter. In a tepid rebuke of 2016, when 62,984,828 Americans voted to eat glue because of her emails, it appears that a hair over half of all eligible voters now feel that idea may have had some flaws. Experts say this is likely because they are starting to feel a little sick.

“We call it the Wiggum-effect, named after the paste-munching character in the Simpson’s,” says Clive Bloom, head of Harvard’s Political Science And Head Holding Department. “Just like poor Ralph, I think much of America is regretting their decision to willfully ingest toxins, and is starting to wish they’d listened to a certain Ms. Krabappel, as played by you-know-who.”

Bloom is quick to add that many factors led to the paste looking appealing two years ago, such as the white mucilage promising to make everyone as high as a kite, while describing itself as probably the smartest adhesive to ever occupy a pot, and warning voters that it was the only glue that could stop the different-looking kids from stealing their crayons.

“But it turns out that what seemed like a tasty treat was just a tub of aliphatic rubbery synthetic polymers. Which in layman’s terms means: full of shit.”

While results are still coming in, and there remain many hours left in the day for the faction that would like to Eat Great Glue Again to overrule those who would not, it now appears a tiny margin more than half of all Americans agree that while munching craft supplies has its appeal, it’s clearly unsustainable as a governing ideology.

“Yeah, I voted Paste in 2016,” says a man in Madison, Louisiana. “It just felt like it was time for a change, y’know? Clinton seemed dangerous and emotional. Not like the calming effects of ladling rubber cement into the complicated mechanisms of our governing process. But now I don’t feel so well. So, after a lot of thought, and some really deep soul-searching, today I voted to stop eating glue. Let’s hope the Democrats don’t let us down.”

Categories: News

Tagged as: , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s