In a flagrant escalation of their agenda of utter non-aggression, and a continuation of their publicly stated desire to just get along, the Canadians have today made good on their threats to conduct large-scale peace games in close proximity to the uncontested Canada-U.S. border.
A spokesperson for the CIA has released footage of the Canadians engaging in such inflammatory actions as looking at the United States border, playing pick-up hockey in close proximity to said border (while openly inviting their American counterparts to join them), and waving good-naturedly. The images were reportedly captured by a high-altitude surveillance drone that was sent aloft to search for signs of Democrats illegally using democracy to win elections. It was while doing this that the spy plane stumbled across the Canuck’s worryingly inoffensive actions.
“It appears the Canadians have not taken our advice, which was to follow the lead of the United States, and spend 90% of their national budget on the military and the other 10% on looking for reasons to use it,” said U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “We find this extremely worrying, and would warn our northern neighbours that if they persist in these willful demonstrations of non-violence, and prioritization of healthcare and education, we will be forced to send the president for a visit. And we all know nobody wants that.”
In response to the growing crisis the United States has given unofficial Canadian Ambassador Jim Carrey 24 hours to leave the country. While for their part, Canada has instructed Justin Bieber to stay right where he is.
Ottawologists believe that the move on the part of the famously secretive Canadians may indicate that the reclusive ice nation is intending to spread their diabolical brand of boring, inclusive, progressiveness beyond their borders. If that’s ok with everyone.
“They’re basically friendly communists,” said American political pundit Rush Limbaugh. “Who are brain-washed from birth to believe some nonsense about people being stronger when they work for each other’s mutual benefit; and that patriotism is mostly a personal matter, rather than an overblown fireworks display that ends up burning the barn down – as per the current ‘Merican model.”
For their part, the Canadians are denying any wrong-doing.
“Both of our troops were just out for a jog,” said General Green, the Canadian’s top military official, who also runs a corner store with a post office in it, and is one of the country’s top spoons players. “But if that’s bothering our favourite neighbour I’ll go ahead and tell them to try and do that a little more aggressively, or at least wear their fatigues or something. Gawd knows we don’t want a visit from the commander-in-disbelief.”