“If God wanted us to have pipelines that were unsure of their gender, why did he only give us male and female fittings?” asked Tanya Granic Allen, member of the ostensibly ‘Progressive’ Conservative Party of Ontario, while discussing the suddenly problematic naming of the Trans Mountain Pipeline (so-called since 1951). “It’s over 1,000 kilometres of infrastructure that has been named after an unproven liberal ideology, right under our very noses. And on a pipeline no less, transporting the Dear Lord’s dark nectar. Have they no shame?”
The calls to rename the Western oil conduit come hard on the heels of the Ontario PC’s passing Ms. Allen’s resolution against gender identity this past weekend at their annual convention. Her party will now treat the nation to a year of spirited debate over the question of whether or not the thousands of Canadians currently living rewarding, fulfilling lives as a gender other than the one they were born, actually exist.
Lest anyone accuse them of idle hands (and incurring illicit expenses related to working for the devil) this past weekend the PCs also elected an 1850’s daguerrotype image of a man flogging a deceased horse as their new party president.
“It’s a fine photo. Who needs colour? All that nuance is confusing,” the province’s Attorney General, Caroline Mulroney, was discovered saying mechanically to a wall. “I. Welcome. Our. New. Leader. Thank. You.”
Proposals to debate the evils of left-handedness, a ban on masturbation, and the introduction of public stonings for those who violate any of the Old Testament teachings, did not make it to the floor. But Ms. Allen was able to secure a promise to discuss those items at next year’s convention, after she pointedly mouthed the words “You owe me,” in Premier Ford’s direction, presumably in relation to a sports bet, or whose turn it was to get the donuts.
But it is the issue of renaming a pipeline that is causing the largest stir in the Conservative’s caucus.
“I was raised calling it the Trans Mountain Pipeline,” said one convention attendee, a visitor from Alberta’s UCP party, as he exited the Toronto Congress Centre on Sunday afternoon.
“So having to shift to referring to the pipeline as ‘God’s Chosen Oil Path,’ as Ms. Allen proposes, would be a bit of an adjustment. But it’s one I’m willing to make. After all, I support the oil industry in much the same way I support an unforgiving gender binary: Unquestioningly, regardless of the harm some people claim it’s causing.”