The sorters are capable of processing up to 10,000 handmade, lovingly wrapped, personally addressed packages per minute.

With their workers engaging in rotating strikes during the busiest shipping period of the year, Canada Post has today unveiled a new line of mail sorting machines to deal with the large backlog of parcels, letters, and cannabis, that are currently waiting to be delivered in many locations across the country.

“I present to you the Post Chipper 3000. Shipper. I meant shipper. Clearly I said shipper. Chrissakes, I even practiced in front of the mirror,” said Jessica McDonald, interim president and CEO of the crown corporation, in a rare unforced error at the grand unveiling of the new machines. 

Moving quickly on to the demonstration segment of the presentation, Ms. McDonald briskly pointed towards a nervous-looking customer clutching a Christmas parcel, and gestured to a long conveyor belt. One that appeared to lead directly into a spinning drum bristling with large metal spikes.

“Don’t worry about the address, it’s really not that important. As sure as Canada Post is negotiating with our workers in good faith, this new sorter will make sure your package gets where it needs to go almost instantly.”

At a signal from McDonald, all those present donned the ear and eye protection provided for the event. A switch was flipped, and the room filled with a sound suspiciously similar to a large wood chipper. The package trundled along the conveyor belt to the drum, and was promptly ground to a pulp.

“My package,” the customer said dully, as – moments later – a blur of brown, red, and green was expectorated out of the other end of the state-of-the-art auto-mailer. “You shredded it. Why would you do that?”

McDonald informed the woman that the shortbread-and-perfume-smelling chips she’d seen were just a byproduct of the high-speed sorting system, and that in fact her package was now, “well on its way to Vancouver.”

“My sister lives in Halifax. I wrote it in Sharpie,” the woman replied, before being handed a tracking number and escorted to the door. 

Scheduled to be rolled out at all Canada Post sorting stations across the country by the end of this week, the Post Shipper 3000s are expected to reduce the massive backlog of mail in a matter of minutes. 

“And no need to spend extra time carefully covering everything in bubble wrap either,” McDonald shouts over the Shipper, as her team bends to the task of loading parcels into the machine’s macerating maw. “These beauties get everything where they’re going in the same exact state. Whether you protect them or not.”