Business

Doug Ford Last Seen Speeding Towards Oshawa With An “Open For Business” Sign

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The premier also promised to inform the auto giant they just need to ring the bell for service.

As the terrible news that General Motors intends to close all operations at their longstanding Oshawa plant broke, on a mild but dreary Sunday afternoon, Ontario Premier Doug Ford – who campaigned on the unspecific, yet still rousing promise to re-open Canada’s largest manufacturing province for business – expressed mild surprise.

“Didn’t they see my signs?” the premier asked his aides, already convened at his house for their weekly video review session, in which they run through parliamentary tapes and time how long their own party members applaud Mr. Ford’s speeches – in order to gauge who is the most loyal, and to officially confirm they are ridiculous children.

“It would appear not Doug,” said Ford’s chief of staff, Dean French. “We put those signs up near the borders, so there’s a good chance the GM execs missed them. I hear they mostly fly when they travel. I’m sorry. There’s no way we could have known.”

“Well,” the premier said, pulling the lever on his La-Z-Boy armchair and rising to a nearly seated position. “Just get one over to Oshawa. Once they know that we are, in fact, ‘Open For Business,’ GM will probably offer some sort of apology and open half a dozen other plants. Lemon squeezy.”

With studies showing that four out of five multinational businesses base the decision of where to situate their operations entirely on what sort of placards they encounter within a 200 km radius of a prospective site, it was difficult for Ford’s aides to argue with the logic behind their leader’s course of action. Unfortunately none of them were free to deliver the sign.

“How can you all have figure skating lessons tonight?” Ford asked, turning off the Grey Cup and looking around his basement incredulously. “Dean? You told me you hate lutzes. And now you’re learning lifts? Fine, then just do it in the morning.”

After exchanging a look with the other aides, Mr. French gently informed Ford that as many as 3,000 jobs were on the line; and recommended that immediate and significant action be taken.

“You’re right,” the premier said. “Brew me a coffee, fire up the Escalade, and strap the biggest sign we have to the roof. Oh, and add the word ‘Really’ to ‘Open For Business.’ I’ll fix this mess.”

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5 replies »

  1. I am a retired GM of Canada employee. Canada should have created it’s own,” Canadian Car Company” back in the 1950’s. Germany and Japan created their own car companies and have designed, engineered and built some very reliable vehicles. The 1972 NDP “Waffles” were right…Stephen Lewis was wrong. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BqUcX4D7JZo

    Autoworkers in the United States and in Canada should thank their lucky stars for the creation of the United Autoworkers Union in 1935 and the Reuther Family for their courage. For without those early UAW members and activists, todays autoworkers wouldn’t have the wages, pensions, health care benefits and right to grieve. Thank you.

    Mr. Blair M. Phillips
    St. Catharines, Ontario
    Canada

    Like

    • Hey offer the families insensitives to move to northern ON( New Liskeard) and area. They need jobs n we need more workers. Lots of great schools n neighbourhoods and hospitals for all. Very friendly people up here and very busy.
      Hope they know that the can downsize n move to a better area n never look back!!😎🇨🇦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Left wingers are hilarious! To think that Ford’s PCs had anything to do with this assembly plant closure is asinine. Our hydro rates in this province are the highest in North America (thanks Kathleen and Dalton) and the auto industry understands that vehicles can be manufactured at far lower rates in third world countries and right to work states. This plant is one of five facilities GM is closing and four of them are in the U.S. I’m quite positive that it was strictly a business decision. The dissolution of the autopact, which left wingers proclaimed was unfair, would have prevented all of these closures in Canada but hey, maybe they can open a food processing plant nearby and pay half the wages.

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