Just a day after announcing they would be ceasing operations at five of their manufacturing plants – in favour of becoming a global symbol for the failings of capitalism – General Motors today revealed the addition of a new vehicle to their fleet: the all-wheel drive Dividend.
Touted as the first true zero-scruples vehicle, the new line is GM’s initial foray into the ultra-competitive screw-over market – a segment that already includes such popular models as the Volkswagen Lies Lies Lies, and the Toyota Recall If Caught.
Unveiled in a shareholders-only ceremony that was held in a Goldman Sachs boardroom, the state-of-the-art-of-the-deal vehicles are clearly directed at the growing number of people who prefer their large purchases to come from companies that put arguable competitive gains over ethics, loyalty, or basic decency.
“Burning an average of 15 jobs per 100 shareholders, these new Dividends are the first vehicle ever made entirely in an offshore tax shelter, and out of recycled governmental bailouts,” a smiling salesman for the blue chip company said, as he showcased the new car’s subsidized-profits curve.
“They’re available in three models: the Bailout, the Outsource, and the top-of-the-line Mass Layoff, all of which come standard with taxpayer assist. And best of all, each Dividend is fitted with a patented commoner’s noise-cancelling sound system, to ensure total comfort when speeding past distressed workers and their families.”
Capable of ushering up to 7 shameless passengers from gated community to private gold course in style, the vehicles are expected to be available for purchase by late 2019, right around the time tens of thousands of lifetime GM employees will be picking up the pieces of their lives after being laid off.
“Many people have asked why we didn’t decide to make these in North America,” the head of General Motors, a chart, said as he addressed the media following the announcement of the new line. “And the simple fact is that if we cared more about the people who made our company, and less about those who use it to make a buck and then get out, we could have. But in what universe does that make sense? Certainly not this one. I am a chart.”