“It’s a very minor form of the tear gas itself. It’s very safe.”
~ U.S. President Donald Trump, discussing the tear-gassing of women and children at the border, a month before Christmas, 2018.~
It’s that time of civilization again people! That’s right, ’tis the season for families fleeing dire circumstances and duress to come up against countries firing only the very safest of tear gasses at them because they aren’t wealthy or white enough.
With enough time having elapsed since a major western nation last dehumanized an entire group of people – in order to blame them for shit they had nothing to do with – if you know anyone who is having trouble getting into the spirit of intolerance this year, ask them: what’s the point of living in the greatest nation on earth if you can’t keep it from others? And then pepper them with some Very Safe Tear Gas in one of these five festive ways, to celebrate this most wonderful repeat of the darkest aspects of humanity’s history:
1) Sprinkle it on your eggnog:
Don’t worry, it’s safe. Take one complete lack of empathy and add two cups of eggnog, a canister of Very Safe Tear Gas, zero shame, and stir. For best results rub it in your eyes.
2) Make a tear gas advent calendar:
Count down to Christmas with your children with this daily reminder of how safe tear gas is, and how nice it is to unleash on little people at this festive time of the year. Note: they may get skittish after the first day. That’s part of the fun! Surprise them when they least expect it to get the most enjoyment out of this feel-good product.
3) Hang it. Like mistletoe:
Whenever two people stand under it, the one who’s lived in the U.S. the longest gets to spray the other. It’s only fair! (Use extended lineages to break a tie in situations where both participants were born Americans. This will prove extra hilarious around anyone with Native heritage).
4) Put it in a flask and share it at outdoor events:
Excellent for warming you from the sinuses downward, take a hip flask of Very Safe Tear Gas to the local carolling session or outdoor hockey game to help remind your friends that you’re a real patriot, and total free thinker. Don’t forget to inform everyone as they scatter that it is actually a minor form of the stuff, and again: Very Safe.
5) Tear gas smoothies:
When the excesses of the holidays are starting to get to you, and your eyes can’t take much more of that traditional, child-friendly deterrent, throw a can of the stuff into your Vitamix. Add a few handfuls of organic kale and some mangoes, pineapples, and bananas. For extra hypocrisy don’t forget to make sure all the ingredients were picked by migrant workers.
And there you have it. Five ways to enjoy Very Safe Tear Gas just the way Jesus would have wanted you to – had they had it in his time, rather than just stones. Next week: tips on how to deck the halls with boughs of barbed wire.