In a discovery that NASA is calling “probably not that important,” the InSight lander has reportedly unmarsed a hat on the red planet, where it recently arrived as part of an ongoing mission to turn Earth’s closest neighbour into a timeshare. Bright red, with a brim that may have originally been designed to shield ancient Martian’s eyes from the searing sun while they played some sort of game and their civilization crumbled around them, the hat has a message on it: Make Mars Great Again.
“While certainly a unique find, we really don’t see this as anything more than a simple coinky-dink,” said Mike Pence, the new head of NASA, which now stands for the Nuclear Assault Spaceships Administration. “Though I must say it is handy that the catchy slogan on the hat is written in English because, as my dear friend John Bolton made clear this week, our nation no longer accepts information in any other language, no matter how important. I’m just grateful the dear Lord had the foresight to write the Bible in our tongue.”
Non-insane people were quick to disagree with the vice president’s assessment of the find’s importance.
“I don’t even know where to start,” said Neil deGrasse Tyson, a former noted astrophysicist who now spends all of his time looking around in disbelief. “That there were beings on Mars, who wore hats and spoke English, is probably the single biggest discovery of our lifetimes. But that some of them were ignorant populists who may have brought about the demise of all life on their planet, through a combination of idiocy and vaunted degeneracy, has to be the most depressing thing I’ve ever heard.” Neil then set the timer on his sensory deprivation pod to ‘a decade’, and climbed in.
“Who’s he?” responded Mike Pence, when asked to respond to deGrasse Tyson’s comments.
Despite calls for the incredible object to be collected and returned to Earth as quickly as possible for a more detailed analysis, Pence was quick to say that wouldn’t be happening.
“It’s already been destroyed guys,” the latest model of artificially unintelligent politicians said, tightening his smile with a pulley system mounted to the collar of his bolted-on suit. “What? Calm down. We had no choice. It was right where the infinity pool is going to be.”
While the MMGA (pronounced māk-it-stäp) hat may be gone, taking with it whatever unenlightening analogies or comparisons it might have held, photos taken by the InSight lander have been leaked to the press. Unfortunately they only raise more questions. Such as why does the label say “Made in China”?