“My friends,” said Premier Doug Ford, addressing reporters outside his office in a tense exchange, after the news broke that an old friend of his was recently appointed head of the Ontario Provincial Police; this despite not holding the minimum qualifications, which specifically state candidates cannot be a friend of the Fords.
“The truth is I have no idea what that word even means. What is a friend? And what are these … qualifications? As you all know, I arrived in office without either of these items in my possession. How then, I ask you, could I have possibly lowered something I don’t have, to help another?”
Leader of the Opposition Andrea Horwath initially admitted this did raise a certain logical conundrum, before quickly catching herself.
“While it’s true the premier thinks friends are people who pay bribes promptly, or keep a secret indefinitely, and there is no question he brought the fewest qualifications to Queen’s Park since a rusty snow shovel was elected in the summer of 1917, this does not absolve Mr. Ford of being a habitual liar who likes to surround himself with people who owe him something, and who clearly thinks the rules don’t apply him. “
Experts say the fact the premier has reportedly only memorized the names of 14 other people on the planet, likely played a large role in his obvious interference in the hiring process for the important position at the top of the OPP.
“I imagine it went a lot like this,” said Queen’s Park correspondent, Bob Rae. “Someone mentioned the position was opening up. Ford said he knew a guy who liked $275k-a-year jobs. He was asked who, and Doug said, ‘Hang on, not mom, not my sister, not my dentist John who gives me a good deal as long as I don’t let the lot beside his get re-zoned, I know, how about Ron Taverner? He likes jobs.’ Then when it became clear Ron’s rank was too low to run the OPP, they changed the requirement to having watched at least 10 episodes of Law & Order.”
The integrity commissioner, Justice David Wake, has confirmed that initial interviews indicate this is pretty much exactly how events transpired.
“The only difference between Mr. Rae’s theory and the actual events, appears to be that Mr. Ford’s dentist is in fact named Dave. Our investigation continues. But I have to be honest,” the commissioner added, as he turned to leave. “I can already tell you that it is highly unlikely we will find any integrity here.”