The first sign something was amiss was the ripple of murmurs, spreading through the crowd of thousands gathered at the U.S. Capitol Building today in Washington, to pay their final respects to George H. W. Bush, former owner of the Texas Rangers.
“Hey look, some dickhead wore a white suit,” a man was heard to exclaim. Moments later the inevitable confirmation arrived. “Yep. Looks like it’s that broken crayon, Donald Trump.”
Resplendent in the completely wrong attire, Trump wandered ceremoniously down the carpeted aisle, bouncing from one guiding usher to the next as he alternated between squinting and looking like he just ate a 9-volt battery. At one point he stopped and offered his sincerest condolences to a potted plant, before eating one of its leaves. The sounds of George W. Bush beseeching the heavens to tell him why his father couldn’t just have hung on two more years, filled the august hall.
“It was a black suit,” said Sarah Huckabee Sanders, vigorously cranking her own handle, as per her habit. “Jeez Louise people, use your eyes. Jim, if you don’t tell everyone that was a black suit the president was wearing, the right way around I might add, then so help me God I will personally shred your press pass with my canines, and mail you the pieces individually for the next two years. Put your hand down. I’m counting to three.”
It is believed to be the first time a sitting president, under investigation by a Special Counsel, with an approval rating less than the percentage of alcohol found in Malibu Rum, and who can’t spell spangled, has worn a white suit to a state funeral.
“Look, even if the president did wear an alternative shade of clothing, what’s the big deal?” asked Kellyanne Conway, herself clad in a dress made of subpoenas. “Last time I checked it’s a free county. If the president wants to look like a dead thumb at a funeral, why can’t he?”
“Blurgerurgraaaaaaaage,” said Bush Jr. asked for his thoughts on having every living president of the United States in the same room, one of whom inexplicably chose to dress like Colonel Sanders. “Man. Not. President. Man. Horrible. Horrible. Accident.”
Lest the public be left guessing as to what exactly was going through Mr. Trump’s hair-haloed head when he selected Day Glo White as the theme for his funereal ensemble, the president later delivered the following statement:
“Really I was there to support Pudge. Baseball is a game of inches, and foul lines are white, as well as they sing the national anthem before every game and anyone who kneels gets sent to Cuba. Look it up. Thank you.”