Following the resounding success of their defunding the Ontario College of Midwives, programs for at-risk youths, and firemen giving out stickers to excited kids (the last measure saving a staggering $14 province-wide) the Ontario PCs today announced they would be overhauling the Highway Traffic Act. To prioritize by wealth. Of course.
“With our approval ratings still in double-digits (just), we decided that now was the time to make good on a campaign promise we whispered to ourselves in the darkest hours of the night,” said a nervous-looking campaign aide, trotted out to make the announcement late on a quiet Sunday afternoon, before being whisked to safety by a low-flying dirigible dangling a rope.
“With that in mind we will be reviewing the HTA with a view to making it more for the people. That matter.”
While details remain scarce, reactions to the move have ranged from outrage to esophagus-straining screams into the void. But in fairness to the ruling party, it should be said that during last year’s campaign they promised not to touch the Highway Traffic Act. And now they are.
In a pre-recorded address, broadcast live from the same blimp that was slowly whisking the sacrificial aide to her new life in Manitoba, the leader of the ruling party blaringly addressed his constituents.
“Friends, drivers, countrymen, lend me your social tiers,” said the premier, a stubbed toe of a man who fell into his current role the way the droppings of a seagull land in an otherwise decent coffee, on a warm spring day.
“As you have just heard we will be changing the car rules so the nicer vrooms get to go first. We are doing this to encourage business by getting people to upgrade their bangers, and to reward those who help our economy by taking this province’s profits to offshore shelters. Where they are safe. More details will follow, but for now if you’re in doubt about where you rank on our roads, if any of our cuts lately have affected you, or even just made you angry, pull over.”
The address than finished with the party’s popular new slogan.
“This message has been brought to you by the Ontario PCs. For the people. By the real people.”