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Alberta Not Sure It Can Forgive Rest Of Canada For Making Oil A Non-Renewable, Toxic Resource


Sentiments in Canada’s largest oil-producing province continued to turn against the rest of this generally genial nation today, as many in the second province from the left (ninth from the right … no, that’s still Ontario, keep going … one more … there you go) said they increasingly feel as though the rest of the country doesn’t care about them or their poison dirt. 

“How dare those bureaucratic bobble-heads in Rottawa tell us that oil is a non-renewable resource that is killing the planet,” said one incensed Albertan, a truck driver who had joined the 22-kilometre long convoy of big rigs that gathered today just south of Edmonton, to protest the vagaries of tectonic movements that trapped their hazmat mud on the wrong side of the Rockies.

“The hell do they know? All those politicians care about is hurting Alberta for reasons I have yet to entirely map out. But boy when I do, the oil tanker is going to hit the reef. Sorry. Bad turn of phrase.”

Jason Kenney, would-be premier of a third of the space between B.C. and Ontario, was unusually quick to try to seek personal political gain in the anger of his electorate. 

“Justin Trudeau doesn’t want you to eat,” the politician with a face that is the envy of baby’s bottoms everywhere said, furrowing his brows in an attempt to conjure a wrinkle of gravitas and fury on his Cabbage Patch profile. 

“This Liberal government has pushed a narrative that says oil is a black viscous fluid, the transportation, refinement, and eventual consumption of which is bad for the environment. How. Dare. They.”

The leader of the UCP Party went on to take exception with the rest of Canada’s growing insistence that burning the floorboards to heat the house could lead to regrets later. 

“If people in the oil industry wanted jobs that would see them through the coming decades, they’d be full-time feet-draggers like myself. God knows that until the waters of the Bow River boil in front of our very eyes, I’ll have a gig in this province bitching about any efforts made to preserve this planet’s future that require changes in the present.”

Kenney then said that he worries about the many Albertans, other than himself, who can’t harness a fear of change and love of reductive memes to become premier.

“How do these hard working energy gardeners overcome non-Albertans irrational dislike for provinces that start and end with the letter ‘a’? Not to mention the general hatred many Canadians seem to feel for a product that is completely sustainable. At least until the end of my first term in office. Beyond which, who cares?”

But whether Kenney is right, and cracking another bottle of rye in the ER as the planet waits to have its stomach pumped after a bender of an industrial age; or Trudeau is correct, and maybe it’s time to slow down, Canadians still largely agree on one thing: Albexit is a ridiculous name for anything other than a fire escape for especially large oceanic birds.

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12 replies »

  1. I find this article to be a bunch of gibberish and lands no real answers to the current question? I think that successive Alberta government’s have not been forward thinking enough to plan for the growth of the industry! let alone the clean up that the oil companies are leaving behind! but instead of accepting the blame and ridicule for this notley is throwing it onto the feds and blaming BC for the shit they are in!

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  2. Didn’t you just tell me to be careful what you say about Alberta because those people are sensitive?

    You went from nuance to nuisance (without the help of spell check). Well done sir.

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  3. So I am guessing the Keystone XL pipeline is more of a pipe dream. No more toxic tar sand oil being transported via pipeline to the south of the border ? But I do feel sorry for the good people of Alberta. Maybe some of them need to go back to school and get a degree in IT or something that pays well. Greetings from south of the border. Your satire laced article is just what I needed to read to cheer myself up

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