News

Canadian GoFundMe Raises $6B In Two Hours To Pay For Privacy Hedge Along Entire US Border

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A worker trimming a smaller model of the proposed thousand-foot high shrubbery.

In a stunning rebuke of the 46th best president in American history, the United States’ northern neighbour shattered numerous crowdsourcing records today, when it raised billions and billions and billions of dollars to plant and maintain a living barrier between themselves and the adjacent idiocracy. 

“We’d heard that a bunch of people down in the You-Ess-of-Eh had decided to empty their wallets out for a wall that won’t block anything other than half of all escape routes, when their dirty bomb of a president melts through his retaining barrier,” explains the man who started the campaign, Tom Candy, of Fewmarket, Ontario.

“So naturally our first thought was: how can we best deal with this shitshow as it unfolds directly beside us, and add a little ever-greenery to a world which, it has to be said, is looking a little bleak right now? The answer was, of course, legalizing marijuana. But with that already having been done, our next thought was: let’s plant a privacy hedge.”

The campaign started with the modest goal of raising $250,000, which was estimated to be enough to pay for an ad on Fox & Friends asking Americans to help Canada secure its border against the dreaded MAGA-16 gang.

“But when we achieved that ambition in less than one hot minute (Celsius), we realized we needed to expand our operations from trolling the dredges to bankrolling the hedges,” Candy says, as he directs another tractor trailer into a vast warehouse he has stocked with young yew saplings, waiting to take their positions along the formerly longest undefended border in the universe. 

“And in under two hours we collected $6 billion Canadian. Which is extraordinary, really, given the time of year, and current cost of hockey tickets.”

In an interesting side-bar, one that some have taken to indicate that the stresses of modern populism have already migrated north, a number of spin-off campaigns have begun, calling for privacy hedges between many of Canada’s own provinces.

“We’re seeing funds started on both sides of the Rockies, so it looks like B.C. and Alberta are going to work together to block each other out,” says living barrier expert, Mick Terser. “And Quebec has raised over $10 million for their ‘haie de la vie privée’, to get something between themselves and the increasingly desperate Ontarians, as they try to escape Doug Ford’s term as Revengier. Heck, even Newfoundland has started a petition to rename the Gulf of St. Lawrence the ‘Aqua Hedge’. So yes, it’s a very fractious year everywhere you look.”

News of the cross-country shrubbery came as a surprise to many Americans, who were pretty sure they’d heard that the Canadians had already planted one of those two years ago, in the days following the U.S. decision to elect a discarded traffic pylon – found in a ditch on the road to nowhere – as their leader.

“No,” corrects Candy. “That was a joke. This time we’re serious.”


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460 replies »

  1. As a citizen of the you-ess-of-eh, with lineage literally going back 400 years (well, 397…) in this country, I have to ask my fellow US citizens whose panties are in such a tight twist over this – WTH are you doing on a satire site, if you have no sense of humor? Go back to FUX news and schmooze with Doocey and the dufuses.

    Oh, and for whoever suggested it: perhaps YOU should be the one considering a move to Canada, instead of those of us who love reading this kinda thing (and understand what satire is). I happen to know that whatever it costs to extract that bug from so deep in your ass, it would be 100% covered by their medical scheme, so (unlike on this side of the hedge) you wouldn’t go bankrupt from one single little surgical procedure!

    Liked by 8 people

    • If you are from the states, that’s a valid question.

      Kiss the moron you elected goodbye — unless Pence can pardon him for crimes he committed in NYS, the orange bas tard is going away for the rest of his miserable fraudulent life.

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      • American brains are washed so many times they are less than clueless. So stupid they think 19 Muslims attacked them on 9/11, so they elected morons to destroy their own economy. Bwahaha

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          • Who told you you could speak for me? The majority of US citizens voted for Pres Trump. Once you discount the ILLEGALS voting. And will again.

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            • Actually. The majority of US citizens did not vote for trump. He won the electoral votes, Hillary won more individual votes. And if Republicans in so many states didn’t commit voter suppression and outright fraud plus the illegal Russian influence in our elections, trump would not be our worst president ever. He a pathological liar, a crook, an adulterer and a pervert. Hes a disgusting human being 8ng.

              Liked by 2 people

            • Hahahahahah, another dumb ass white american brainwashed woman. Go offer up you puss to your corrupted, racist, intellect challenged Grabbinfuhrer, and let the intelligent people speak. You don’t even realize how ignorant and conned you are. pathetic. I hope you haven’t bred. That would be a crime.

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              • This is what Esther said:
                Actually. The majority of US citizens did not vote for trump. He won the electoral votes, Hillary won more individual votes. And if Republicans in so many states didn’t commit voter suppression and outright fraud plus the illegal Russian influence in our elections, trump would not be our worst president ever. He a pathological liar, a crook, an adulterer and a pervert. Hes a disgusting human being 8ng.

                Liked by 1 person

            • The majority of Americans did NOT vote for Trump…they voted for Ms. Clinton…but it is the antiquated Electoral College system that gave him the win…NOT the voters. Karen, you need to find yourself a source of factual information. There is NO finding of any illegals voting….save ONE or TWO…..how do you think that ‘illegals’ manage to vote? They have to prove Citizenship when registering, The only ‘illegals’ who voted are folks like yourself…uninformed, uneducated, immoral, ….should not be allowed to cast votes in American elections. So along with proving Citizenship, a new law should also require an IQ test.
              \

              Liked by 1 person

                • First I would like to point out the rlcpd said, “a source of FACTUAL information”.

                  That being said, the website you are linking to is far from a reliable source. Editorially, they are a questionable source with promotion of right wing conspiracy theories and numerous failed fact checks.

                  Only citizens can vote in Federal, State and most local elections. Lawful Permanent Residents (green card holders) are not even eligible to vote until they become naturalized U.S. citizens. If a non citizen attempts to vote, they are subject to fines, penalties, imprisonment, denial of application for citizenship and deportation. A driver’s license does NOT give you the right to walk in and vote. You still have to prove citizenship while registering and that has to be done before the date of the election. There is NO way for them to just walk in and vote out of the blue.

                  That’s not how this works Karen. That’s not how any of this works!

                  Liked by 3 people

                • It is NOT a particularly valid source, by the way. Where are the facts…where are the actual numbers of illegals who voted…what you are believing here is an OPINION…Karen…no facts included. Many governmental agencies have agreed there were but a few illegals who could have penetrated the system and voted illegally. I and most sane Americans know Exactly what we are talking about…Facts or lack of facts…and you are so misinformed you should also be prohibited from voting.

                  Liked by 2 people

                  • Again Karen, you make assumptions fueled by an emotional response. Here are a few salient points from a Time article. You may want to follow the link and read the whole thing. Of course, you won’t because it doesn’t fit into your myopic narrative.

                    -The National Association of Secretaries of State, whose Republican-majority membership includes the chief elections officers of 40 states, said they “are not aware of any evidence that supports the voter fraud claims made by President Trump.”

                    -Federal law and the law of every state PROHIBIT non-citizens from registering to vote or voting in elections (save for a few municipalities that allow non-citizen residents to vote in LOCAL and SCHOOL BOARD elections).

                    -Multiple nationwide studies have uncovered only a handful of incidents of non-citizens voting.

                    -Undocumented immigrants or persons with undocumented immigrants in their family are often more reluctant to engage with government officials generally, which would include registering to vote and voting.

                    -Under federal law, any non-citizen that votes can be fined up to $100,000 and imprisoned for up to one year or three years if they intentionally misrepresented their citizenship status. Even more serious, a non-citizen can be deported for casting a single vote they were not eligible to cast. For non-citizens working towards naturalization, merely being registered to vote can serve as a basis for denying citizenship.

                    So basically, this claim is as stupid as the one he made about people changing hats and shirts and trying to have another go at the vote. But hey, Karen, I want you to do me a favor and try that whole switching clothes thing during the next election and tell me how it works out for you….

                    http://time.com/4669899/illegal-citizens-voting-trump/

                    Liked by 2 people

                    • You can quote any liberal rag you wish, doesn’t make it true. You shouldn’t be so naive/stupid. Or indoctrinated/brainwashed.

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                    • Oh Karen, Karen, Karen…You can link any conservative rag you wish, doesn’t make it true. Sound familiar??

                      The difference is that I actually followed your link to read the article for the sake of being more informed. Of course, I’ve already read these allegations because I research both sides of the story.

                      As for the article in the Daily Wire…The video never shows what’s in the cases, so it could not be verified if they actually contained ballots. But it was proven later that those were actually DUAL-PURPOSED supply boxes and there were no ballots in them. Labeled “provisional ballots” on one side and “supplies” on the other. Please see link below.

                      Additionally, transporting ballots in personal or rented vehicles is not unusual.

                      For example, Duval County, St. Johns County and Clay County all allow it as long as ballots are in sealed containers and in the view of two people.

                      As for the IBD link, we’ve already established they’re an unreliable source. So, I’m not even going to comment to that.

                      https://www.nbcmiami.com/news/local/Boxes-Found-in-Broward-Used-for-Office-Supplies-Not-Ballots-Officials-500307711.html

                      Liked by 2 people

                    • Tell me, does repeating someone’s name over and over make you think you sound cute? As far as facts, you can’t possibly research anything and still be so stupid.
                      You are a typical liberal, who thinks if they say something it makes it true. What it makes you sound like is mentally retarded.
                      That should trigger you.

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                  • Sometimes I wonder if any of you pimples who call yourself people and who lie, cheat and steal….have ever heard of something called HONOR. or INTEGRITY. Obviously you have not.

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                    • Ah Karen, I feel like we’re really getting to know each other. Me, a “typical liberal” and you a vacuous narcissistic trollop. Perhaps we’re becoming friends, hmm? However, I also feel as if I’m the only one contributing any real content in this relationship.

                      Listen, I have some semi decent pallets stacked up in the back yard. A little weathered but nothing some X-180 or Bondo can’t fix. What say we work on that together? I’ll bring the pallets, you get the Bondo. We can donate them for the wall. Every little bit helps, right?! We’ll call it a Bipartisan effort.

                      Think about the fun we’ll have together!! During breaks, we can offer up thoughts and prayers for the families of the 2 small children who recently died. We’ll write letters of solidarity to the 53,000 TSA employees, 54,000 Customs and Border Protection agents and officers, and 42,000 Coast Guard members and staff that are working without pay. And then maybe we can go throw eggs at a Starbucks. Won’t this make you feel a little bit better?

                      Liked by 2 people

                    • Karen: When you can find a dictionary, you should look up the words ‘honor’ and ‘integrity’…since you obviously have NO clue what they are…..you seem to have no issue with embarrassing yourself repeatedly on here….pity. And not being able to read and think, must be why you are clueless that the word ‘retarded’ is no longer to be used in proper vocabularies…as it is a slam on those who are dysfunctional in some way….you should look in the mirror, by the way.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • I offered you my pallets and this is how you repay me? “See my previous comment.” You seem to not care about the fact that I am physically blind and thus, unable to see at all. How tone deaf can one person be?? My poor service dog is laboriously typing out my responses because he knows how important this dialogue is to the two of us and the country at large and you say, “See my previous comment.” Pfft!

                      Liked by 1 person

                    • You are truly stupid. You have the audacity to use those words when defending your president? The man who is a pathological liar, crook, serial adulterer and the most corrupt man who has come down the pike ever. Get yourself checked in to a psychiatric facility pronto.

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              • Please guys. Take your divided, angry arguments and just go home. We don’t behave like that up here. This is supposed to be about fun not discord and disrespect

                Liked by 1 person

        • Blow it out your arse ya dumb Canuck. Our own government did 911, used that to pass the Patriot Act, and waged war to line investors pockets…

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  2. Funny read…. but just remember Canada, if it wasn’t for ur southern neighbor, u wouldn’t survive 10 seconds in the real world! Canada is a joke! I mean, u let the French conquer parts of ur country!

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    • You are that freaking stupid. Like your hero, the Orange traitor. Go drink more kool-aid, and tell you kids why they have to be slaves.

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          • Bill, Your spelling belies your ignorance. What you think you know is bulls hit your country spoon-fed morons like you. There is no indicator — education, wealth, health, etc. — where the US is ranked above Canada. Except, or course: shootings and stupidity, in which you excel.

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            • Where is my spelling wrong professor? Canada outranks the U.S in education? Maybe they do but it doesn’t mean you use for your commentary. Think you are smarter than you are?

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                • Can’t even answer the question! That great Canadian education you were speaking of really shows. Brings gear insults that mean nothing and bear no truth or fact. Stupid liberal Canadian! Get back in your hole and spout your hate

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              • Bill almost every developed nation has a better education system than the USA… look it up.. google is your friend these days.. also Bill maybe look up who supplies your country with most of its oil (Canada), who supplies you with plutonium for your weapons of mass destruction (Canada) and the fact the US has NEVER won a war against us or without our help. So who would be screwed if the USA didn’t exist.. sounds like it’s the opposite of what you thought..
                You may think you’re proving a point or helping your cause but you’re actually doing the opposite.. you should just stop before you look anymore pathetic.

                Liked by 1 person

    • Ya but rem the civil war America who won that u can knock us all u want and the French did conquer us we are a British colonie and we speak 2 languages

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    • Actually the US kicked out the French traders and they wound up in Quebec. That is why they eat snails, make every province use French on signs…too lazy to just read in English…, and are covered in beaver pelts.
      Canada is weirder than Portland

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      • Oh no. Baby that is not accurate 😦 history lesson 101 (better to educate than to shame!) The first people to colonise/invade(yes we are shit to native american that we have to fix) were from France and then the Bristish got involved as seen in “La bataille des plaines d’Abraham” pex example but the british won and “took over” so the french population grew smaller and smaller and all concentrated in Quebec where even in the 60’s they were (we are still) fighting to keep our/their culture alive , also, it was very hard for french canadian to get good jobs , we were mostly blue collars/factory workers , it got better but we are still fighting against the americanisation of canada and for our language (which is different from France’s french in many ways, more ressembling old french) and therefore the obligation to have billingual signs (law 101)
        voila!
        xoxox

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      • Before you make stupid statements like this that proves you don’t know a dam thing about Canada maybe you should educate yourself first! I am a proud Canadian and I don’t eat snails, I am not covered in beaver pelts and I read, write and speak English very well.

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        • You have an almost obsession to be heard, don’t you? If so please try to come up with a comment that gives you credibility because the illogical and vapid comments you are making tell everyone how utterly stupid you are.

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    • I cannot imagine using this user name….because it instantly labels anything you say as a lie. and reveals additional ignorance of commonly known history….that happens when Daddy buys one’s grades in school….. Canada can do just fine by itself…In fact, many honorable Americans are considering immigrating to a country where they do not elect uneducated toads.

      Liked by 1 person

    • You are the Joke! Yes we would survive because we are a strong people! It is funny but people all over the world loves Canadians but you guys not so much!

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  3. Whatever you think, the longest unsecured border in the World is breached every day by many unknowns. The Canadian Government is naive to think there is a lineup to sign legal immigration papers. In many Provinces, the underground economy is a way of life and the ideal place to hide.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just play nice, everybody! No need to be sniping @ each other — especially @ this time of the year!

    Satire from you blokes in Canada is just so wry & wonderful! Very clever stuff!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Quite a treasure in the lively spirit of our neighbors to the north! Thank you for the needed perspective and the unforgiving bite of reality in your hilarious piece.

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  6. Of course, this president is the first we’ve had in 30 years who hasn’t either invaded or bombed another nation into submission and regime change….

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    • So what ? All the other nations of the World are laughing at us….This president doesn’t ‘invade’, he betrays Allies, pulls out and lets the evil guys ‘invade’..and take over. He gets no accolades for that slimy, evil, approach…except from you.

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  7. So you’re as nasty as the distrespectful trash that have no honor here. I kind of thought lighter of you. Well you’ll need that same wall if we don’t get it!

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  8. This made for a great read! Thank you, all, so much!
    And, please; dear Lord…
    Karen? Take a break! We get it, okay? Dear God, please let her stop sucking the air out of this humorous and conversational thread!
    I hope that doesn’t offend you, Karen!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Привет, Karen.

    Which school/programs in Russia taught you to speak English so well? Recommendations would be appreciated.

    Спасибо

    Ясон

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  10. Being an American I think the hedge row across the entire Canadian border is a great idea for us Americans. Now we can just bus all the illegals to from Mexico to Canada. WHY ? Because they are going to need all the illegals to keep the 3000 miles of hedge row trimmed. Brilliant idea we Americans say THANK YOU !!!!!!

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  11. I’m elderly now but I vistited Canada during the VietNam era and after that with my family.
    I loved it there because of tranquility and safety.
    I felt that each time I went there . You live in a special place cherish it and your way of life. I went to learn
    Different methods of teaching young non English
    speaking 5-6-7 year old children how to read in a relaxed atmosphere. Loved my stay there!
    Drones can do anything now … why can’t they provide
    border survalence🤷‍♀️

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  12. Please build the wall should have El chapo name on it! Canada thinks they are smarter then USA is gross! More criminal activity with Hells Angels and Mexican cartel! That asshole got paid off!Also has worst criminals in the world .He trying be the next anticrist!!!Let millions of refugees in at a time to gain money!He needs a seat at the UN . He belongs in jail!

    Like

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