In a move that is already being heralded by the Scandinavians as, “Easily the hurdiest, and quite possibly the gurdiest thing that country has ever done,” Canada today announced its plans to officially divide the initially enjoyable hell of winter into two distinct sub-seasons: “Oh Look At The Snow,” and “Is There A Way To Drive In The Fetal Position?”
“It was the number one response we received to a completely unrelated poll we conducted regarding winter tire use,” said Sooka Fouponesment, a representative of Environment Canada, as she addressed the media from somewhere in the cryogenically frozen kingdom’s 9.9 million km².
“Canadians were adamant that having just one seasonal title covering half the year is at best inadequate, and at worst, diabolically misleading.”
“It makes it sound like the seasons are equally weighted,” complained Ned Abrech, a resident of Death Outside, Alberta – one of Canada’s fastest growing towns. “When we all know that spring and fall up here are equivalent in length to the time it takes a freezer door to swing open and shut, as our country is pulled out of cold storage and chucked on the grill – unthawed – for a quick summer barbecue between snow squalls.”
While no official date as been set for the patience solstice, Environment Canada says that most years it will fall on the point in the calendar that Canadians start refusing to leave the house in anything less than the warm embrace of a well-fed polar bear.
“Dividing nature’s unsubtle and extended attempts at genocide into two seasons will help Canadians identify which part of the dark tunnel between October and May they are in,” enthuses Ms. Fouponesment. “A form of linguistic braille, if you will, but for people who’ve lost their fingers to frostbite.”
Though she admits that naming the second act of winter “The Fuck” is a bit salty by most Canadian’s standards, Fouponesment is quick to justify the moniker.
“By that point in the season, so is everything else.”
With the new “This Is Nice” sub-season having already come and gone for all of the Canadian cities not touching the Pacific Ocean, the federal government has announced that any Canadians who have already openly wondered if running out of toilet paper really constitutes a reason to go out, should feel free to set their seasonal terminology to the latter of the two names.
“While we certainly don’t want to downplay the ‘This Is Nice’ section of our winter, let’s be honest,” concluded Sooka, firing up her gas-powered boot heaters, and stepping into her down-filled truck. “When exposed skin can freeze in less than two minutes, we’re moving straight to ‘The Fuck.'”