After a lifetime of pondering such weighty questions as why men go bald, not all Eastern European women can speak English, and failing at business is the best way to be considered an astute entrepreneur, Donald Trump today released a black pearl of wisdom that will surely echo through the remaining twenty-odd months of civilization as we know it.
Grateful to have that cleared up, the U.S. government set to work destroying SpaceX’s reusable rockets, and the millions of aircraft created over the last 115 years; as well as all boats, hovercraft, and mag-lev trains – all consigned to the scrap heap for being vapid distractions from the traditional and completely unimprovable wheel.
They then proceeded to annul every tax treaty, trade agreement, reciprocal visa arrangement, and strategic alliance the United States has ever made; for being redundant wastes of time and money that pale in comparison to the classically nuanced – and technically advanced – approach to global geopolitics: the vertical obstruction.
“It’s a shame really,” said a crestfallen woman, as she watched the plane she was supposed to be taking to visit her parents in the U.K. smoulder on the tarmac of John F. Kennedy International airport (now just called the Cart And Wheelbarrow Parking Lot), and pondered never seeing her mother or father again.
“It sure felt like we’d made progress since the days when people thought the earth was flat, the sun went around it, wheels were best hewn out of rock, and walls were as handy for keeping out lions and bears as ensuring domestic trade advantages.”
She looked around the airport, full of people who trace their lineages back to every valley, steppe, glen, and delta on Earth, all staring out at the destruction of the useless contraptions they’d been collectively fooled into thinking were improvements on the pinnacle of conveyance that is the wagon. In the distance the setting sun gleamed off of the glass facade of the United Nation’s Manhattan headquarters. She shook her head.
“What was I thinking? The president’s right. Things don’t get better. And they sure never change.”