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Canada Adds “Shit Tonne” To Officially Accepted Units Of Measurement

Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz, seen here using the expression to relate the amount of debt the average Canadian currently has. Photo: Chris Wattie/Reuters

In a move intended to make Canada’s nationally accepted units of measurement better reflect the language actually used by the average citizen, the Canadian Department of Innovation, Science and Economic Development (formally Industry Canada) today announced it would begin officially recognizing the culturally popular designation of the ‘shit tonne’ (st).

“It’s about time,” said Taj LaChange, a popular figure in the Canadian measuring community, and a man who has lobbied tirelessly for a whole whack of years to see this update through.  

“It’s an extremely versatile classification. A ‘shit tonne’ can be used to denote a large amount of weight, volume, distance, or time, all with linguistic aplomb, and no small amount of oratorial satisfaction.”

Not everyone shares M. LaChange’s enthusiasm for including vague profanities on the nation’s road signs, packaging, and recipes. 

“No, I’m not a fan,” said Dr. Maurice Désolé, director of Montreal’s popular Museum/Musée of/de Rulers/Règles. “What’s next? Putting a ‘fair hike’ on our maps? Telling someone you’d like to order a ‘buttload’ of pizzas? Vraiment? No, I can only see this leading to a shit tonne of confusion.”

But with 6 out of 7 Canadian teachers saying that they use the measurement to decide the correct amount of homework to give to their students, and the federal government pegging the percentage of a citizen’s income to take back in tax to it, the move to officially recognize the shit tonne has been seen by many as an eventuality.

An Ipsos/Out And Abouter survey confirmed the widespread public support for the decision, finding that 84% of all Canadians like the new terminology, and use it themselves regularly.

“Just this morning I told my son to pour a shit tonne of salt on the driveway,” said a Toronto man, crunching the road seasoning under his boots as he offered his thoughts, on a cold Sunday afternoon.

“He’d have given me a pretty strange look if I’d have said to use a million grams or whatever. And he’d have needed a scale and like three different measuring cups. What a pain. No, shit tonne is by far the most functionally accurate nomer we’ve got in this country. Just ask someone how many Stanley Cups the Canadiens have won. They’ll tell you.”

For a shit tonne of satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.shutterstock_434536597-3

 

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10 replies »

  1. So… what’s the conversion factor between shit tonne and buttload? How many furlongs per fortnight would you have to achieve to make a fair hike in a reasonable time?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The butt was a measure of liquid volume equalling two hogsheads. This equated to 108 imperial gallons (490 l) for ale or 126 imperial gallons (570 l) for wine. So that’s pretty much what a buttload is. A shit tonne is best measured via Trump-statements.

    Liked by 1 person

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