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Canada Adds “Shit Ton” To Officially Accepted Units Of Measurement

Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz, seen here using the expression to relate the amount of debt the average Canadian currently has. Photo: Chris Wattie/Reuters

In a move intended to make Canada’s nationally accepted units of measurement better reflect the language actually used by the average citizen, the Canadian Department of Innovation, Science and Economic Development (formally Industry Canada) today announced it would begin officially recognizing the culturally popular designation of the ‘shit ton’ (st).

“It’s about time,” said Taj LaChange, a popular figure in the Canadian measuring community, and a man who has lobbied tirelessly for a buttload of years to see this update through.  

“It’s an extremely versatile classification. A ‘shit ton’ can be used to denote a large amount of weight, volume, distance, or time, all with linguistic aplomb, and no small amount of oratorial satisfaction.”

Not everyone shares M. LaChange’s enthusiasm for including vague profanities on the nation’s road signs, packaging, and recipes. 

“No, I’m not a fan,” said Dr. Maurice Désolé, director of Montreal’s popular Museum/Musée of/de Rulers/Règles. “What’s next? Putting a ‘fair hike’ on our maps? Telling someone you’d like to order a ‘whole whack’ of pizzas? Vraiment? No, I can only see this leading to a shit ton of confusion.”

But with 6 out of 7 Canadian teachers saying that they use the measurement to decide the correct amount of homework to give to their students, and the federal government pegging the percentage of a citizen’s income to take back in tax to it, the move to officially recognize the shit ton has been seen by many as an eventuality.

An Ipsos/Out And Abouter survey confirmed the widespread public support for the decision, finding that 84% of all Canadians like the new terminology, and use it themselves regularly.

“Just this morning I told my son to pour a shit ton of salt on the driveway,” said a Toronto man, crunching the road seasoning under his boots as he offered his thoughts, on a cold Sunday afternoon.

“He’d have given me a pretty strange look if I’d have said to use 1450 grams or whatever. And he’d have needed a scale and like three different measuring cups. What a pain. No, shit ton is by far the most functionally accurate nomer we’ve got in this country. Just ask someone how many Stanley Cups the Canadiens have won. They’ll tell you.”

 

 

 

For a shit ton of satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.shutterstock_434536597-3

 

 

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