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After Decades Of Neglect, Wealthy Students Of Ontario To Get Desperately Needed Subsidy

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Following years of university bound students from Ontario’s better-off families having to forego such necessities as a panoramic moonroof in the luxury vehicle their parents gifted to them – after their private school teacher willed them into a spot at the tertiary education facility of their choice, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has finally come to the rescue of those who don’t know where their next bottle of sparkler-festooned vodka in the VIP lounge is coming from. 

By mandating that universities and colleges across the province cut tuition fees by 10%, while providing no extra funding from the government, and doing away with a program that provided free tuition for low-income families, the Ontario PCs say their message is clear. 

“University should be cheaper for those who don’t need it to be, more expensive for those who can’t afford it, and all around poorer quality for everyone. Please hold your applause until the end of the announcement,” the premier said, in a statement one observer called “as tone deaf as it is stupid.”  A sentence that many feel adequately sums up the entire drunk-in-a-Swarovksi-store approach that Mr. Ford’s party has brought to Queen’s Park. 

“Certainly if there is one group of students who have struggled under the widening resource divide between the rich and the poor, and deserve an across-the-board tuition cut, it’s the wealthiest,” said education expert, Joyce Withers, rolling her eyes so heavily as to render herself momentarily blind.

“When was the last time rich people got a break? I mean, other than the recent tax update, and being rich. I, for one, welcome the think-pieces no doubt being penned this very moment by parents who can now increase their offshore investments, and maybe get that second racehorse they’ve been wanting. Might I suggest they unironically name it ‘Proletariat’?” 

With the announced changes taking effect in September of this year, many of the students who were counting on free tuition to give them a viable opportunity to half way catch up with their better-off peers, are already having to adjust their plans.

“I’m definitely going to have to reconsider going to university,” admits Tom Sutton, a Grade 12 student from Toronto. “But I’m trying to see the upside, by focussing on all of the people I know who didn’t finish college and still managed to make it in life. Like Premier Ford himself. After all, just look at what a great job he’s doing.”

5 replies »

  1. “Might I suggest they unironically name it ‘Proletariat’?” — now that’s fucking funny. “Proletariat” would be one of those work horse type race horses with a high motor, a tremendous work ethic, and the attitude of a coach’s son. (list your favorite white-guy athlete cliche’s here…).

    Liked by 1 person

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