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Catholic Board Reminds Students They Should Only Mob Women Seeking Control Over Their Bodies

Archbishop Joseph E. Kurtz of Louisville, Kentucky, reminding everyone that there is a strict protocol for who Catholic students should mob first when out on field trips..

As always on this site, the quotes below are fictitious, and the subtext less so.

Following outraged reaction online to scenes of young men harassing Indigenous elders in Washington DC, administrators at Covington Catholic High School – the Kentucky institution that sent the students to the nation’s capital, to learn more about the roles that bullying and intimidation play in American democracy – have issued a statement in which they say the boys will face significant discipline.

“Needless to say we are all extremely disappointed in our students for their harassment of Nathan Phillips and other Indigenous persons in Washington on Friday,” said Dean Beamish, a vice-principal at the suddenly-infamous school. “This is a direct violation of the expressed purpose of the trip, which was to harass women seeking control over their own bodies. We are working on a suitable punishment as we speak, but rest assured it will involve making females of all ages feel unsafe and unsupported, in some way, shape, or form.”

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Louisville followed up with a similarly-worded dispatch.

“As we have made clear to all of students under our purview, we are not concerned with the actions, needs, fears, or concerns of people once born. Thus our quarrel is not with Native Americans, unless they have a womb the conduct of which they mistakenly believe falls under their own authority. In which case we will hound them mercilessly.”

Many practicing Catholics have been quick to voice their concerns that the youth of today are increasingly indiscriminate in their hatred.

“I know it’s hard to keep track of who to hate and in which order,” said one online adherent, from Brimstone, New Mexico, going by the handle @RealJesusesDontWeep. “I myself regularly wonder whether I dislike lesbians for being gay or for being women. My advice to the kids out there that are just starting out as representatives of God’s Eternal Animosity, is stick to the main themes. And the ancient subordination of women is a great starting place.”

HIs thoughts were echoed by another Twitter user, @GillettenousMess, who succinctly summed up the situation from the perspective of the world’s largest religious organization.

“Sure those kids need to be sat down, refocussed, and reminded how important it is to never take your eyes off the uterus. But if there’s one thing our God of compassion and love has taught us, it’s hate early, and hate often.”

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2 replies »

  1. I think they’ve been taking a few pages out of the book belonging to their Canadian counterpart, St. Michael’s. They’re both excellent examples of why people should avoid fundamentalism like the plague.

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