In an update to a previous story, entitled “When Do We Get To The Great Part? And Why Are You Putting Children In Jail?”, The Out And Abouter has learned that a collection of states south of Canada have reached the “Mobbing And Harassing Native Elders” portion of their predictable, inexorable road to national excellence.
Known internationally as the Divided States, this new country – which replaced the generally-respected nation of America in early 2017 – has made demonstrable and rapid progress towards their stated goal of regained greatness. Among the long list of their new government’s many accomplishments: alienating traditional allies, embracing unrepentant foes, encouraging hatred both within and without their borders; and generally conducting themselves like illiterate goons who’ve been given access to shitty tailors, in addition to far more power than their merits deserve.
And now they’ve attained the common predictor of a transcendent political movement: young people so emboldened by a pervasive atmosphere of hate and discord that they surround and mock a small group of Indigenous elders, there to remember veterans from their community, buried in Arlington Cemetery.
“It doesn’t get a whole lot greater than that,” said a man who witnessed the event, and is old enough to remember when this nation was widely held to be greater than it was not, circa 2016. “Yes, I definitely remember covering in high school how the ancient Greek philosophers believed that a rabble of adolescent douches, surrounding a peaceful group of fellow citizens to mock and intimidate them, was a sign of a perfectly healthy nation-state.”
Echoing his Grade 11 memories, many Trump supporters have been quick to point to an oft-quoted section of the Bible, that speaks directly to this marker of cultural progress:
Thou shalt know thy nation is on the path to greatness when the young of your people are mobbing Indigenous leaders, like an unchecked pack of feral shits.
1 Republicans 2:17
With such bold steps forward as this – as well as a government shuttered over a demand for a wall in the middle of nowhere, and a country bitterly divided between a faction of basic fucking idiots and everyone else – many observers believe that America is clearly on the precise path a minority of them chose in the 2016 election.
“That’s right,” said one political observer, speaking listlessly on the condition of anonymity. “We really are just sick of all the winning. As promised.”
“Children successfully separated from their parents, climate change accelerating while we argue over barricades in the desert, and the young people of the D.S. of A. demonstrating that the torch of smug intolerance has been passed on to yet another generation. Oh yes. Greatness has never been closer.”