For the millions of people worried they might miss the implosion of civilization as we know it, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists today announced that they have got just the thing: a Doomsday wristwatch so elegant and stylish that once you try it on, the concussive winds of a world-ending explosion will be required to remove it.
Waterproof, shockproof, radiation-proof, Twitter-proof, and hypoallergenic, the newly-released watch is designed to withstand all of the likeliest ways our species will extinct ourselves, and still tell you precisely how aware we all were that this shit was coming.
Touted as the first miniaturization of the infamous Doomsday Clock, the portable endtimer – which automatically synchronizes itself to the main doompiece, kept in Chicago, Illinois at the Bulletin’s head office – is being pitched to shoppers as a way to keep track of humanity’s pending annihilation in an increasingly hectic and unpredictable world.
“How likely is your reaching retirement age anyway? Do you really have to worry about what you’re having for dinner? Was that the last time you took a complete breath? Should you perhaps be doing more to avoid climate change, and trying harder not to elect people who accept large monetary contributions from arms manufacturers? This watch will tell you,” said Weir Scrood, head of sales at Well-Shit Industries, the multinational warnings conglomerate that recently purchased the rights to continually remind people that there are consequences for building planet-ending weapons, and polluting our way into the footnotes of history.
But rather than focus on the dire, Scrood was quick to pivot away from the darker aspects of the chic accessory, instead answering the question on everyone’s mind: Just how much does a Doomsday watch cost?
“Only three easy payments of $19.99,” Scrood explained to a clamour of journalists, already lining up to be the first customers. “We accept cash, cash, or cash. So don’t wait folks. Get yours today. You’ve got,” here he paused, and looked at his wrist. “Two minutes.”