OTTAWA – “I don’t know who this Al guy thinks he is,” said Canadian prime ministerial hopeful Andrew Scheer today, as he furthered his attack on things he found online that he doesn’t understand, and isn’t interested in looking into, “But if he thinks for one second that myself and the rest of the Conservative Party of Canada aren’t onto him, and his nefarious search engine suggestions, then he is a very foolish Gorithm indeed.”
The CPC leader’s demand to meet with, and speak stern words to, the set of automated rules Google uses to provide search results, comes after the online platform was found to have an image of Omar Khadr associated with the term “Canadian Soldier” – if a user spent an afternoon panning through the knowledge bar until they found something to get shitty about. Rather than just using their knowhow as an Innerneter to remember that the results from an aggregator like Google combine topic trends, linked words, and localization – along with your obvious addiction to outrage – into one tidy package.
Sam Sundy, a reporter for the popular tech periodical, Tired Magazine, expressed a near total lack of surprise that a Conservative leader might feign – or legitimately possess – zero knowledge of how this “Confuser programming shit” works.
“Leaving aside the fact that Scheer is throwing Omar Khadr under the bus for the second time, after Andrew’s predecessor abandoned him as kid for not being the kind of Canadian who gets their rights, this situation is a clear example that Mr. Scheer either doesn’t hold a basic knowledge of how an algorithm works, or is hoping that pretending not to will help score points with his base. Who also presumably think Google employs millions of people called Search Engineers, who sit around waiting for you to ask why someone in Nigeria would want to cut you in on such a great opportunity.”
Reached for comment on Sundy’s thoughts, Scheer refused to concede that maybe this was one metacanada Reddit post he should have just scrolled past.
“I don’t care how that Mr. Gorithm works. What I care about is having a face-to-face meeting with him. With that in mind, I have this very morn d-mailed Giggle a letter. I expect a reply within the fortnight. Good day.”