Sports

Canadians Reluctantly Agree To Watch Second-Best Football League’s Little Finale

A man with two broken legs and whose TV is stuck on CBS, enjoying the big game. 

“I guess when you’re still learning the game, an extra down every ten yards is really helpful,” said George Guffin, of Saskatoon, as he exited an area grocery store with an armful of hint of envy tortilla chips, and a few jars of extra spicy salsa, ready for this year’s edition of the Not Bad Bowl – the season finale that is held every year in the second-best football playing country on Earth. 

“But yeah, I’ll watch. It’s not every day you get to see the best of American commercials and the worst of their musicians at the same event.”

Approximately 20% of all adult Canadians – known the world over for their football prowess, and being the home of the Canadian Football league (which literally has bigger balls) – are expected to tune into the cute little shindig the Americans throw every year. This despite the fact the event takes place in the oddest possible month in which to play an outdoor game that doesn’t involve ice. 

“It’s either that or watching North of 60 reruns, both of which are excellent napping views. But I’ll give the nod to the Super Bowl, since it has more than one banally attractive guy with a tight butt and really white teeth for me to doze on and off too,” confided Susan Toombs, of Penticton, BC. 

“I’m out of paint to watch dry, so I guess I’ll tune in,” said Cynthia Withers, a resident of Oshawa, Ontario, as she picked up a case of beers for herself, and one for her husband. “But no wonder they’re so into tailgating down there. I need to be pretty hammered to enjoy the snail’s pace they play football at too.”  

For his part, Serge Gaston, of Sherbrooke, Quebec, isn’t prepared to give the adorably serious NFL the second slot in gridiron eminence.  

“Yeah, I don’t know about that eh. I hear there’s a European league where former soccer players go to make a few extra bucks in retirement. And some of them can still run a little.”

And Sean Braun, in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia – initially unaware that there was a bit of American football on today – said his viewership would depend on who’s playing. Informed of the slated teams, he reluctantly conceded he’d give it a look. 

“Another game between the over-rated guys and the cheaters? I guess I’ll check it out.”

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3 replies »

  1. “It’s not every day you get to see the best of American commercials and the worst of their musicians at the same event.” Now that’s fucking funny. I don’t care who you are…

    Like

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