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Canadian Man Secures Partner’s Undying Love With Traditional Poutine Jacuzzi For Two

Beautiful.

“Yes it’s a bit of a cliché,” says Winnipeg resident Adam Tasteigh, gesturing towards a bright-red jacuzzi overflowing with fries, gravy, and cheese curd – a Valentine’s treat for his wife. “And sure we just shared a romantic tub of poutine last week, but you know what they say: you can never have too much of a transcendentally beautiful thing.”

A Canadian tradition since long before Hallmark decided they weren’t selling enough pink cardboard covered in other people’s worst sentences, the romantic poutine bath is believed to have been the catalyst for over half of all conceptions in the odd, if delicious, nation.

“Some of my earliest memories of Valentine’s Day are of helping dad chop the potatoes and coagulate the curd, while mom pretended to not know what the giant caldron of gravy brewing on the stove was for,” says Mr. Tasteigh, pausing in his annual labour of love to reminisce. “Sure, for awhile there when I was a teenager I found the whole getting naked in the fries bit sort of gross, but now that I’m an adult I can see that the Toronto-based rock quartet Sloan was right all along: If it feels good, do it. Even if you shouldn’t.”

And with millions of Canadians coast to coast expected to indulge in their own oversized appetizer dips, spa specialists say they’re ready for a busy week of clearing drains of post-coital emulsification.

“The second half of Feb is always a busy time here at Hot Tubba Love,” says Edmonton spa store owner, Randy Voila. “Between everyone filling their jacuzzis with poutine, pipes freezing, and it being baby-making weather, we always have to bring on a few extra people to handle all the calls that come in for backed up tubs. Sure, it’s hard work clearing those drains of mashed potato and cheese. But at least none of us have to pack a lunch.”

After laying out stacks of paper napkins, and a few handy bowls of moist towelettes, Adam steps back to admire his handiwork.

“It’s a beautiful thing,” he says, picturing the look on his partner’s face when she realizes that not only did he not forget their special night, he even remembered to put veggie gravy on her side.  

“And just wait till I get the jets going.”

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