TORONTO – Following yet another coating of solid, smooth, and lubricous ice falling on the already slicker-than-snot city of Toronto last night, the municipality – which exhausted its supply of salt midway through January, after winter defied expectations and came – has been forced to authorize extreme measures: utilizing its massive reserves of artisanal table salt on its roads and sidewalks.
“While we’re lucky to always have over 800 tonnes of flavoured, flaked, table salt on standby, should our food trucks and finer dining establishments run out, it’s a heck of a shame to have to use the good stuff on our thoroughfares,” said Hector Blumenthal, the large city’s Director of Brining And Curing. “I really don’t know how we’re going to pull off the gourmet french fries convention next week after this.”
Egg-white omelette makers across the city are devastated.
“Sure it’s important to save a few old people’s hips, I guess,” stated Brenda Olandayze, owner/operator of the popular Bloor West brunch spot ‘NaCl’. “But who the hell wants a plate’s-worth of the tasteless part of an egg, without a nice dosing of truffle-infused ocean zest? Not me. And not anyone in this refined town, I can tell you that much.”
The emergency didn’t escape the notice of the city’s mayor, John Tory, who used the most recent aerial danger glazing as a reason to lecture his constituents on the unpredictability of winter. In Canada.
“People need to have reasonable expectations of what this city can, and cannot forecast when it comes to how much cold and ice will coincide with the month of February,” the mayor said, as he ceremoniously twisted a shaker of small-batch lavender salt onto the sidewalk in front of City Hall.
“Last July we had so much road salt we couldn’t give it away. Now, when we need it, we have none. So it goes. So it went. It’s really more of an art than a science, people. Much like this beautiful seasoning we are lucky enough to have on hand to safely melt our way out of this calamity with. And a little bit for my popcorn, aaaand there we go. I hereby declare this tasteful town safe. And delicious.”
Residents of other cities across Canada took in Toronto’s efforts with the usual mix of bewilderment and confusion that they tend to direct towards the Home of Drake by the Lake.
“They put what on their roads?” asked Sam Steel, head of A Bit Of Elbow Grease And An Ice Chopper, in Canmore, Alberta. “I wouldn’t put that on my baked cod, much less the 50-metre driveway that I clear every morning, by hand. And I’m 93!”
And from Goose Bay, Newfoundland, came claims that the citizen’s of the nation’s largest city are a “bunch of nuggets aren’t they?”
“Who doesn’t keep a good supply of regular frickin’ salt on hand in winter. In Canada?” asked a bemused woman, after parking on a well-gritted street. “But more to the point, who the hell has that much saffroned table spice kicking around?”