HANOI – “Rocky! We need to talk about the Canadians,” U.S. President Donald Trump said to North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, wasting no time with pleasantries as he strode up to the heir to the misery of millions in the lobby of Hanoi’s Metropole Hotel, kicking off the meeting of the large behinds.
An odd duck whose help Trump desperately needs if he is to secure the Nobel Prize for finally wiping that welcoming grin off the Canadians’ faces, Jong-un readily agreed that the sub-Arctic pacifists were quite possibly the gravest threat a militarized world has ever known.
“Imagine spending less than 1.2% of your GDP on defence,” the Supreme smoker responded, lighting a match off the American leader’s aerosoled hairlo, in a move that brought gasps from the surrounding retinue of aides and fluffers, and a bashful grin from Trump himself. “Shit, our GDP is our military spending. And then some. It really makes you wonder, what the hell are those moose knuckles up to?”
While the official reason for the Trump-Kim summit is an attempt at setting the Guinness World Record for the shiftiest national leaders to ever share a suckling pig, experts say that this is just a convenient pretext for the two men to get together and discuss their abiding dislike of Canada, and everything it stands for.
Dr. Julius Rapporte, director of the Washington-based think tank Keeping Your Friends Beyond ICBM Range And Your Enemies On The World’s Longest Undefended Border, explains.
“Canadians are, minus a few wayward truckers, inclusive. They respect the rule of law. And, generally speaking, when you make a deal with them you can count on them to follow through. All of this is antithetical to the current heads of both the United States and North Korea, who together share the value system of a hurricane looter.”
Rapport went on to say that it this general reliability and old-fashioned approach to actually following international obligations, that has led to Canada’s designation as a security threat by these two men.
“Just yesterday, you had Donald Trump over-riding his trade representative, Robby Lighthizer, to publicly declare he doesn’t believe in, or seemingly understand, Memorandums of Understanding. The fundamental building blocks of international agreements. And Kim is as trustworthy as any other psychopathic egotist with a hairstyle he inherited from his grandad.
“So of course Canada is a security threat to these guys. What do you think is going to happen when their citizens look over at the excessively normal northerners, and wonder why they have to settle for leaders with the inner moral compasses of the rabies virus.”
The summit, which is expected to run for two days, opened with a traditional exchange of gifts. Trump presented Jong-un with a 15-foot red tie that can double as the finish line to a marathon-of-lies (“Just run 0.26 of a mile. Who’s going to correct you anyway?” he informed his athletic counterpart). And Kim gave the U.S. leader a watch valued at 1.25 million meals for his starving citizens.