OTTAWA – In what appears to have been an unprecedented move, Canada’s ruling Liberal Party – who just this year completed the process of legalizing the use of recreational cannabis – yesterday took the unusual step of also giving their nation an excellent reason to seek out the drug’s calming properties.
“I assure you this is all part of the legalization rollout,” Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said to a packed media scrum outside of the House of Commons, as a scandal wrought by himself and his party continued to create an ever-widening furor.
“What good is giving Canadians access to an anxiety-allaying drug if we don’t provide them with a suitable reason to be extremely worried?”
The PM went on to say that the implosion of his party, over pressure applied to the attorney general on behalf of corporate pariah SNC-Lavalin, and increased likelihood that Andrew Scheer could now well be prime minister before the year is out, provides Canadians with a very compelling reason to seek out over-the-counter panic remedies.
Indeed, Health Canada reports a marked uptick in the purchase of cannabis-related products since the Liberals released their scandal, as a stimulant to the depressant drugs industry.
“It’s all gone,” said Trish Houghly-Schait, a market researcher for the national agency. “Less than two minutes into Jody Wilson-Raybould’s testimony yesterday inventory was just flying off the shelves. They can’t make the stuff fast enough. You don’t have any do you? Cause man. The thought of Andrew Scheer sanctimoniousing us all for four years is enough to make me want to get high, so high.”
Back in Ottawa Trudeau said he remains unrepentant for going out of his way to help a major Canadian business – later clarifying he meant cannabis producers.
“But let me get to the point,” the embattled prime minister said, looking directly into the phalanx of cameras, and watching eyes of an increasingly stressed nation.
“Let’s roll another joint. And turn the CBC loud. I’m too alone, to be proud. Somebody ask me how it feels to be me.”
A reporter obliged.
“You don’t know. But thank you for asking. Now get out there and support Canadian cannabis.”