After winning widespread praise from many embattled foreign leaders, Justin Trudeau was his usual modest self today, expressing feigned surprise when asked if his decision to hobble Canada – so as to stop embarrassing other countries struggling with their own self-dealt scandals and leadership crises – was intentional or just a damned fine thing to do.
“Let me assure you, this situation is not one that I welcome, or have taken any steps to intentionally create,” the prime minister said, stating exactly what you would expect a demurring leader to say, after going out of his way to distract from Donald Trump’s presidential remake of the movie ‘Speed,’ in which the White House will blow up if he makes fewer than 50 mistakes an hour.
“Bloody decent of them what?” Theresa May said/asked, as per the British tradition of shout-telling. “It really was getting a little bit much, watching the Canadians just lark about with their lovely little economy, progressive agenda, and general lack of millstones around necks tied by selves. Do you think they might vote to intentionally destroy their country? Oh wouldn’t that be just splendid?”
And in Russia, Vladimir Putin cracked his knuckles and adjusted his jockstrap, the only thing he had on while addressing his legislature today, in a test of his new rule that anyone who smiles in his immediate vicinity will be summarily executed.
“Canada thought they were of the smart ones,” Putin said, standing with his hands on his hips, pelvis thrust out as only a man directly descended from thousands of years of deadbeat fathers can.
“But now what? Company make little party for the Gaddafis, and the big trouble for the Trudeau when he reminds his attorney general (this like conscience but for government and equally useless) that this company special. Now country implode and hand power to man with round face and no plan. Ha. Ha. Ha. No laughing. Fetch my rhinoceros.”
“He wore a jockstrap? In the Federal Assembly?” asked Trudeau, when confronted with Putin’s assessment that the PM’s missteps appear likely to end in Andrew Scheer chubby-cheekering his way into power. “And rides a rhinoceros?”
The prime minister then shook his head vigorously to dispel the odd mental image, and offered, again, a weak defence of his clearly considerate self-own.
“I’ve lost two of my closest cabinet ministers, my longest serving aide-de-camp, and the opportunity to speak in a Canadian Tire in Regina to a bunch of climate change skeptics. That last one hurts the least, I will be honest. Nevertheless, my point is: Canada is not collapsing. Certainly not on purpose anyway.”