After the disease made an unwelcome guest appearance on his show this evening, Jeopardy host Alex Trebek told the scourge of millions and reducer of lives that it was badly mistaken, and clearly underprepared, when it erroneously guessed, “Who is Alex Trebek?” as the answer to the statement, “He gave up.”
“That is incorrect,” the unflappable TV stalwart stated, staring down the pancreatic manifestation of the horrible fuckery that is cancer. “How much did you wager? Actually, forget it. No one cares. Now get off my show.”
In an unusual prime time appearance for the lethal killer, cancer appeared out of its depth dealing with the Canadian icon on his own turf, repeatedly having to be prompted to submit its answers as questions, and forgetting to use its buzzer on more than one occasion, leading to stern words from the show’s host.
“Mr. Cancer,” Trebek interrupted at one point, raising a single eyebrow at the disease, in the traditional Canadian warning sign that an invitation to adjourn outdoors was imminent. “While I appreciate that fairness and following the rules is not your forte, if I have to ask you to use your buzzer one more time, being cured will be the very least of your worries.”
Alex then returned his attention to the other two guests; Science, and Support, both of whom were doing very well against the ignorant illness. Sharing a look with the other contestants, Trebek tilted his head slightly, and asked if they were ready to proceed.
“But first, a word from our sponsor,” the consummate host then said, turning to face the cameras, and studio audience beyond. “Which tonight is ‘Fuck Cancer.'”