In a rare show of mercy from an insentient force that is primarily the result of mankind’s worst mistakes, global climate change today agreed to just hold off on the whole ‘hastening destruction of the habitable world’ thing, citing the obvious unpreparedness of the human species – and adding that it just didn’t seem like a fair fight at the moment.
“Clearly this is a bad time,” the man-accelerated trend said, after surveying the political landscapes of the world’s largest economies, and concluding that the vast majority of countries are struggling to maintain even the barest margins of civility as it is, without adding world-changing climate alterations to the mix.
“We’ll just come back later,” the planet-changing force added, nodding to its friends: super hurricanes, extreme floods, extended droughts, devastating forest fires, and country-killing ocean levels.
“You know. When it’s a more convenient time, and you guys have some better leaders. Which really shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish. Top tip: people evaluated in four-year periods tend to have limited scope of vision.”
It was an announcement that in ordinary times would have been widely welcomed, but today was overshadowed by Donald Trump slowly whipping himself into a rancid mayonnaise of incompetence on live TV; Britain debating whether it is better to cut of one’s nose to spite one’s face, or one’s future to spite one’s present; and Canada’s obsessing over the question of whether the SNC-Lavalin affair can be both a scandal and a cure for insomnia at the same time. All of which continued to distract from what should be the topic foremost on everyone’s minds: the collapse of our only home.
While the length of the grace period climate change intends to grant mankind remains uncertain, many world leaders remained overwhelmingly unimpressed by the accommodating gesture.
“Well for starters, is climate change even real?” asked Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison, immediately lending credence to the previously mentioned advice regarding short-term leaders with limited horizons.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, that’s grand that global warming is going to give us a cooling off period, and I’ll be sure to take that into account when approving new coal plants. But you have to ask yourself: is there even such a thing as proven science and its evidence that we are permanently ruining the planet? One has to wonder. And then not look very hard for an answer.”
“Climate change is a Marxist plot,” added Brazil’s new leader, Jair Bolsonaro, lighting a large mahogany tree, 30-40 of which he smokes each day, cigar-like, with the assistance of a complex pulley system and lack of any political will to stop him. “One which I am not at all afraid of. You tell that supposedly dangerous disaster to come and get it. The Tropical Trump? He is ready.”
Reached for comment, the globally rising temperatures shook their collective head.
“Sure, it’s tempting to just swoop in while the chips are down for you hateful little gas guzzlers,” the inexorably rising levels of CO2 admitted. “But at this stage it would be like taking a liveable home from a dumb, hairless baby. Which, don’t get us wrong. We’ll do if we have to. We’d just prefer to be left in the ground. That’s all.”