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After 96 Years Of Delays Canadian Tire Finally Releases Rest Of Car

The new vehicle provides added context to the retailer’s slogan, “Tools… Bring it on.”

“It turned out the tire was the easy part,” Randy Volutin, a spokesperson for eponymously-named Canadian Tire said earlier today, speaking at the marquee unveiling of a product which consumers from coast to coast have been waiting nearly a century for: the rest of the long hinted-at Crappy Tire car.

“But making a chassis and body proved a little more difficult. Between World War II and trying to keep up with national anti-freeze needs, that ended up taking a few more decades to complete than we’d anticipated. And then we got into making an engine. Holy crap there’s a lot of moving parts in there!”

Randy went on to explain that just as the beloved Canadian retailer was getting their heads around combustion as a concept, and fuel injection systems in the specific – sometime in the mid-1980’s – they were informed that their by-now antiquated Model C was unsafe and didn’t meet modern standards.

“And it was at that point at that we nearly gave up.”

But after witnessing the rise of Tesla, decline of General Motors, and discovering a surfeit of floor space following the sale of 14 billion shovels this winter, the aspirational tire makers decided to release the remainder of the vehicle – safety requirements and viability in a competitive marketplace be damned.

Selling for $7,000,000.00 MSRP ($27,999.99 in Canadian Tire dollars) the vehicle boasts acceleration rates of 0-100 km/h before the bicentennial of Confederation; hand-crank starting in winter, summer, as well as all other seasons; and as many windshield wipers as the driver and their passengers have arms.

“I think we’re going to sell an absolute shedload of these things,” the Mr. Volutin concluded, rubbing the ornate radiator cap of the state-of-the-art automobile lovingly.

“After all, look how popular our tires have been all of these years. Just imagine how happy people are going to be when they realize that now they can buy the damn whole car.”

For more real maple satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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