Some tens of thousands of years too late for the billions of people who have died at the hands of other people attempting to sate their thirst for cruelty, God has finally agreed to provide a patch for humanity’s primary operating system. One which will address the horrifying depths of depravity that the balding bipedals have shown themselves to be capable of.
God – who had been on a 10-millennia holiday, and admitted to having entirely forgotten that he’d left a species of oddly compassionate, yet darkly vicious beings to their own devices on a small planet orbiting a medium-sized star – apologized.
“My bad folks. Really sorry about the terrifying times you’ve all been living through. Or needlessly dying, as the case may be.”
The Manifest Maker of Everything and Non-Remover of Evil Even Though He Could If He Wanted To explained that he’d left the ‘utterly fucking vile’ feature turned on in the Human OS when he departed this realm for a God Family Reunion; which this epoch was held three multiverses away.
“But the good news is I’m back now,” added the contrite creator, “And holy shit do you guys need an update.”
Reactions to the news from global leaders were surprisingly subdued.
“I don’t think there’s necessarily such a thing as ‘evil,’ per se,” said U.S. President Donald Trump, after admitting he’d never really considered what lies in the hearts of men, preferring instead to focus on what lies under the clothes of women. “I guess I just see both sides.”
While the Vatican was left scrambling to adjust to the Word of God coming from someone other than a geriatric white guy speaking a dead language.
“We are currently working to verify that this latest message from the Almighty is in fact legitimate,” a representative of the pontiff’s office stated. “Generally speaking we are used to this sort of direction passing through the Pope, and then being disseminated through our global system of franchises.”
The spokesperson later blamed a mistranslation for the use of the word ‘franchise,’ saying he obviously meant Places of Divine Worship and Tithing.
The patch is expected to auto-download to the more than 7 billion conscious human units currently struggling through the exquisite pain of existence sometime this week.
“Crucially it will not affect your vast capacity for compassion, or ability to perceive the uncompromising brutality of the universe,” God explained, in his first unequivocal contact with humanity since he briefly FaceTimed Moses through a combustible bush, some 3500 years ago.
“That ability, to hold the hard truth of existence, is one that I originally thought was interconnected with y’alls propensity for wanton destruction,” the Deity of Deities continued, as he voiced his message through the coordinated flapping of the wings of every bird on Earth.
“But after reviewing the code, as well as your actions over the past few thousand years, I am now convinced that was a rare mistake on my part, and will be making adjustments accordingly. Please bear with Us as We work to address this minor issue.”