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Report Shows Growing Number Of People Confusing Free Thinking With Being A Fucking Shithead

Cocky man grimacing, portrait

A ‘free thinking’ shithead.

A new report from the Canadian Centre For Studying Hateful Idiots has confirmed what many people already suspected: Our country is officially full of them. And we are not alone. 

“Australia, New Zealand, France, Germany, Italy, obviously the U.S. and Britain, all of these nations and many, many others, appear to be increasingly swamped with people who are unable to discern basic fact and ethical behaviour, from crazy conspiracy and acting like shitty fucking human beings,” explains Dr. Ryan Stone-Cowboy, lead researcher of the study.

Billed as the third largest survey of shitheads the world has ever seen – the second being the Brexit referendum, and the first being the last American federal election – the study asked millions of people from dozens of countries to weigh in on a series of questions, designed to assess how many people are simply open to new ideas, and how many insist on calling their heinously obnoxious views “free thinking” in order to avoid being pegged as straight-up assholes. 

“We asked about things like the importance of not fucking defending those who shoot innocent people vs. actually fucking defending those who shoot innocent people because you have a stupid fucking opinion you read somewhere you can’t remember where but immigrants are a threat. Bro,” says Dr. Stone-Cowboy, apologizing for his liberal use of clinical jargon. 

“And what we found was a growing overlap between people who tout the importance of what they call free thinking, and those who hold poorly researched, extremely problematic, and generally repulsive views.”

“Free Thought” leaders Gavin McInnes, Tommy Robinson, Richard Spencer, Tucker Carlson, Ezra Levant, and Ben Shapiro were unavailable for comment on the finding, which showed an uncanny intersection between those who follow and promote their views, and being a shitty-ass person. 

“If what those guys are peddling is what’s passing for free thought, I’ll pay whatever the hell you want for my ideas,” said one man, pausing on the streets of Toronto to offer his opinion on where free thought ends, and being a shithead for the sake of being a shithead begins. 

“As far as I’m concerned, if your ‘new idea’ is simply the regurgitation of an old idea that has caused a shit-tonne of pain and suffering over the years, promoting it isn’t free thought. It’s just a fucking terrible idea.”

Moments later a woman offered a similar opinion, slightly differently. 

“Actual free thought is, of course, great. Many of our best ideas as a species have come from people who extended the horizons of understanding by venturing beyond what was known or believed at the time. But also, some of our worst ideas have posed as free thought while really just being reheated hate. And saying that one particular religion is especially evil, or that migration ruins nations – often from within a nation of migrants no less, or that women are fundamentally unfit for leadership roles, or black citizens of a country are less deserving of rights than other citizens, isn’t pushing the boundaries of anything other than simple human decency.”

For more northern satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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6 replies »

  1. I always appreciate your political commentary. Your characterization here (“f**king sh*thead”) is, after all, entirely accurate. I always regret it when, because of language like this — which some people find offensive — that I cannot widely share some of your posts. This is one of those instances.

    Liked by 1 person

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