CANADA – “They told me it would never get warm enough to need it,” Franz Steen, the snowman, says as he proudly lifts the lid on the subterranean, off-the-grid, self-sufficient, cooling chamber he’s built in preparation for – as he calls it: “Springageddon.”
“They called me crazy,” he continues, as he methodically stocks the shelves of his well-insulated redoubt with enough ice cream sandwiches and slush mix to last the rest of his natural life. “They said I had freezer fever, and was really just a paranoid weirdo for warning them that above freezing temperatures were coming. But,” he says, pausing to look up at the melting milieu around him, “Now who’s going to be the last snowman on Earth?”
“Dammit he was right,” said a nearby snowman who refused to give his name but did say he was originally from Chilly, as he slowly melted into the lawn, and a bird pecked at his raisin smile. “I’d say that next time I plan on listening to old Franz, but really, who knows when the specific molecules that I currently consist of will again enter the frozen part of the water cycle, to be made into a ‘man’ by human children? Let’s be honest. That’s statistically very unlikely. So it goes.”
But not all of the rapidly disappearing snowmen were as equanimous as the one from Chilly.
“Shoot missiles at the sun!” shouted one dying lump of winter. “Let’s build a giant umbrella across all of Canada! Someone organizer a refrigerated container ship to Antarctica! Do not go gently into that warm night my frozen friends. Think. Cold. Thoughts!!!”
“It’s sad really,” Steen says, looking out at the sunny massacre of those who once made fun of him, as he slowly eases his lower torso-legs into the icy confines of the small room he plans to call home for the next eight months to forever.
“Everyone wanted to argue about whether this warming weather was seasonal, or part of a larger shift in global climate patterns. But the fact is, either way it was always going to melt us.”