WELLINGTON – A country known for its ingenuity and self-sufficiency has once again looked within for an answer to their problems this week, as New Zealand eschewed the rapidly diminishing supply of international thoughts and prayers, and instead turned to something radical and previously untested: legislation and meaningful action.
After 50 of her citizens were recently killed by some unloved asshole with recreational access to tools of war, in a nation of peace, Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern had a revolutionary idea: let’s not allow that.
The move is a remarkable departure from the standard global response in such situations – ordering truckloads of thoughts and prayers to dump on top of any grieving community asking for actual change, with the remainder being used to fertilize the surrounding fields. There to grow more thoughts and prayers for use in the next inevitable tragedy.
Other countries which have dealt with the spectre of mass shootings by closing their eyes and hoping really hard for fewer mass shootings – while unwilling to directly come out against New Zealand’s patently better approach – remained reserved.
“All I’ll say is it must be nice to not have the right to own a semi-automatic machine gun invented 60 years ago, written into your 230-year-old constitution,” said a gun rights advocate in the United States, ignoring the timeline disparity in his statement, and numerous other rights originally inscribed in his nation’s founding document that no longer apply. Such as the right to own other people.
And for their part the Canadian government says that while they suspect such an approach only works in the southern hemisphere, where everything is upside down and nothing makes any obvious sense, they are looking into ways the approaches of ‘action’ and ‘integrity’ – previously deemed too extreme for everyday use – could be applied to banning assault rifles north of the equator.
But in New Zealand, change can’t come soon enough. With tragic events in the U.S. and beyond occurring with a repetitiveness that is matched only by their heartbreak, the price of global thoughts and prayers is now at an all-time high, in many cases costing as much as the faith of an entire electorate in their government’s ability to protect them from avoidable harm.
“While we could of course find the resources to procure thoughts and prayers,” said a New Zealand member of parliament earlier this week. “Our fear is that we can’t afford the indifference they are so effective at covering up. This leaves us to make do with logic and nerve, as we attempt to ensure this tragic occurrence doesn’t happen again. Wish us luck. But stow the thoughts. And keep the prayers.”