Saying he felt that the lung-attacking bacteria had a lot of good ideas on how to defend people’s bodies from infection, President Donald Trump today appointed TB as the new director of the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Despite coming hard on the heels of the departure of Trump’s head of Homeland Security, Kirstjen “Just Following Orders” Nielsen – who was usurped by senior adviser Stephen Miller, in his forehead-long dive into blatantly racist border policies – the White House says the move to promote a disease to the head of a health department is unrelated to putting a white supremacist in charge of national security.
“I see both sides,” the president said, apparently referring to the common moral quandary of whether to align with good health or rapacious disease.
“We still don’t know all of the facts about TB. It only just happened, as an alleged disease, sometime in the late 16th, maybe 18th, probably 21st century. If it really happened. We don’t know. But I see both sides. And that’s why I’m placing an active tuberculosis bacterium in charge of the CDC. To make sure Americans can sleep well at night, knowing we have secured their health from outside invaders. With an inside one.”
The move has met with some resistance.
“What in the holy fuck is that lunatic doing now?” whispered an elderly woman in Wisconsin, as she fed pigeons and remembered when diseases had to hide their faces, and the menfolk needed to cross an ocean to fight German diseases.
“Now we hand them the keys to the Oval fucking Office. I’d say I’m glad I have so little time left on this mortal recoil, but the way this world is going they might as well bury me on a rotisserie, for the amount of spinning I expect to be doing in my grave.”
For its part TB has said it plans to move swiftly to stop all helpful proteins and nutrients from crossing into the United States.
“There is a grave threat to the body corporate of America,” the manifestation of plague said, adjusting its tie and looking unwell. “No, not me. Arrest that man.” After a brief scuffle the epidemic continued.
“The real threat is poised at our southern border. Countless harmful elements are attempting to infiltrate our system. We must stop, at all costs, the common enzymes who would rob this nation of its health, and instead quarantine ourselves from this danger that you will just have to trust me actually exists. Believe me when I say that only the Trump administration can save you from this menace. Or my name isn’t tuberculosis.”