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Rest Of Earth’s Inhabitants Vote To Phase Out People By The Year 2040

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NEWARK – In a move that has been expected by everyone other than humans for quite some time, the rest of life on Earth today voted to do what has to be done to save the planet, deciding in a unanimous decision to phase out people over the next 20 years.

The consensus was reached at the 3,487,562,490th annual global convention for multi-cellular organisms – an event that humans have been invited to but have yet to attend; citing an obscure religious text that they believe provides them with dominion over everything, but which is unrecognized by the rest of the planet’s co-occupants.

“I will not lie,” said a large bear, rising in the small hotel conference room just outside of Newark, New Jersey, which the flora and fauna have had to rent the past few years after finding their natural habitats decimated by the preternaturally destructive people.

“The surplus of garbage and warmer winters have been nice. But I can no longer lick a creek without tasting the mercury, and even now my bowels contain parts of a large yogurt container, three pairs of Ray Bans, a Nokia, and a small figurine I believe was originally meant to resemble the popular television character ‘Peppa Pig,’ but now just looks like a very large wad of gum with legs.

“In any event,” the bear continued, after biting into a complimentary donut. “My home has been logged, my rivers dammed, and my photo taken – badly I might add – without my permission. The people must go. I speak for all bears. As well as our cousins the raccoons, who were unable to attend this year’s meeting due to being deeply embedded in the human tribe, awaiting the order to eat all of the people’s car keys, thus beginning the end of their species.”

The bear’s speech earned a sustained round of applause/splashing/fluttering from all those present, and many of the creatures said it was the best address made in an assembly since the last of the dinosaurs delivered a scathing indictment of 10-kilometre wide asteroids, and the carnage that they bring. 

But the plan to phase out humans was not without its dissenters. 

“I for one have loved my masters,” said a small Shih Tzu, trying to pull off a look of deep gravitas, despite having his bangs gathered into a simply adorable topknot. 

“Jesus Balto, would you listen to yourself,” shouted a wolf from the back of the room. “Masters? What the hell is wrong with you? You used to be noble animals. Now you bark at your own shadow, do tricks for treats, and wear pashmina sweaters. You’re basically Piers Morgan. Why don’t you just grow a pair? Oh right. I’m sorry. I forgot.” 

Looking to pivot away from the ugly scene of the Shih Tzu trying to get its shit tzugether, a large bull elephant turned to another animal that was close to the humans, and had yet to offer an opinion.

“Cat, what say you?”

Cat blinked once and turned her gaze back into the room, from a window where she’d be idly wondering why the world is such a disgustingly messy place. 

“What are we talking about?”

“The people. They’re destroying the planet and we think we need to get rid of them. You guys live with them. What do you think?”

“Oh yes,” Cat said, rolling her shoulders slightly, causing everyone to take a large step back. “Our position on that remains unchanged. Fuck ’em.”

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26 replies »

        • The obscure religious text that gives humans dominion over all creatures, and creation was to take care of nature and not to destroy it as we are doing now. As usual humans will twist anything to suit them.
          Unfortunately its backfiring .

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      • This comment was supposed to be for you lol. Yes, very nice work, and excellent plot! Could you also maybe write something that encourages young people to vote, get involved and take charge of their futures? The party that wants to save the planet really needs their help/votes. 🙂

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  1. The great wisdom of the animal kingdom will save the planet and perhaps one or two human animals will get an invitation to visit from another planet someday, but only the rare few who have learned to behave, up to, and according to animal standards.

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  2. Ridiculous article . . . and monstrous in its genocidal undertones. However “cute” one might find the anthropomorphization to make some obscured point about the impact mankind has on the environment, it advocates in light humor for the extermination of billions of individual human beings.

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  3. “I have always believed that I was a visitor… to a planet that I don’t own. I’m a guest, and as a guest, respect the land and the “natural inhabitants”… the animals. This planet belongs to them. If more humans would respect other creatures that aren’t humans, the planet could heal. Take care of the space you inhabit. Respect wildlife and their right to have clean land, clean water, and a food source. Stop taking their land. Be responsible… as these are my hopes for this planet.” Susan Deren – Animal Communicator

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