NEWARK – In a move that has been expected by everyone other than humans for quite some time, the rest of life on Earth today voted to do what has to be done to save the planet, deciding in a unanimous decision to phase out people over the next 20 years.
The consensus was reached at the 3,487,562,490th annual global convention for multi-cellular organisms – an event that humans have been invited to but have yet to attend; citing an obscure religious text that they believe provides them with dominion over everything, but which is unrecognized by the rest of the planet’s co-occupants.
“I will not lie,” said a large bear, rising in the small hotel conference room just outside of Newark, New Jersey, which the flora and fauna have had to rent the past few years after finding their natural habitats decimated by the preternaturally destructive people.
“The surplus of garbage and warmer winters have been nice. But I can no longer lick a creek without tasting the mercury, and even now my bowels contain parts of a large yogurt container, three pairs of Ray Bans, a Nokia, and a small figurine I believe was originally meant to resemble the popular television character ‘Peppa Pig,’ but now just looks like a very large wad of gum with legs.
“In any event,” the bear continued, after biting into a complimentary donut. “My home has been logged, my rivers dammed, and my photo taken – badly I might add – without my permission. The people must go. I speak for all bears. As well as our cousins the raccoons, who were unable to attend this year’s meeting due to being deeply embedded in the human tribe, awaiting the order to eat all of the people’s car keys, thus beginning the end of their species.”
The bear’s speech earned a sustained round of applause/splashing/fluttering from all those present, and many of the creatures said it was the best address made in an assembly since the last of the dinosaurs delivered a scathing indictment of 10-kilometre wide asteroids, and the carnage that they bring.
But the plan to phase out humans was not without its dissenters.
“I for one have loved my masters,” said a small Shih Tzu, trying to pull off a look of deep gravitas, despite having his bangs gathered into a simply adorable topknot.
“Jesus Balto, would you listen to yourself,” shouted a wolf from the back of the room. “Masters? What the hell is wrong with you? You used to be noble animals. Now you bark at your own shadow, do tricks for treats, and wear pashmina sweaters. You’re basically Piers Morgan. Why don’t you just grow a pair? Oh right. I’m sorry. I forgot.”
Looking to pivot away from the ugly scene of the Shih Tzu trying to get its shit tzugether, a large bull elephant turned to another animal that was close to the humans, and had yet to offer an opinion.
“Cat, what say you?”
Cat blinked once and turned her gaze back into the room, from a window where she’d be idly wondering why the world is such a disgustingly messy place.
“What are we talking about?”
“The people. They’re destroying the planet and we think we need to get rid of them. You guys live with them. What do you think?”
“Oh yes,” Cat said, rolling her shoulders slightly, causing everyone to take a large step back. “Our position on that remains unchanged. Fuck ’em.”