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Rest Of Earth’s Inhabitants Vote To Phase Out People By The Year 2040

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NEWARK – In a move that has been expected by everyone other than humans for quite some time, the rest of life on Earth today voted to do what has to be done to save the planet, deciding in a unanimous decision to phase out people over the next 20 years.

The consensus was reached at the 3,487,562,490th annual global convention for multi-cellular organisms – an event that humans have been invited to but have yet to attend; citing an obscure religious text that they believe provides them with dominion over everything, but which is unrecognized by the rest of the planet’s co-occupants.

“I will not lie,” said a large bear, rising in the small hotel conference room just outside of Newark, New Jersey, which the flora and fauna have had to rent the past few years after finding their natural habitats decimated by the preternaturally destructive people.

“The surplus of garbage and warmer winters have been nice. But I can no longer lick a creek without tasting the mercury, and even now my bowels contain parts of a large yogurt container, three pairs of Ray Bans, a Nokia, and a small figurine I believe was originally meant to resemble the popular television character ‘Peppa Pig,’ but now just looks like a very large wad of gum with legs.

“In any event,” the bear continued, after biting into a complimentary donut. “My home has been logged, my rivers dammed, and my photo taken – badly I might add – without my permission. The people must go. I speak for all bears. As well as our cousins the raccoons, who were unable to attend this year’s meeting due to being deeply embedded in the human tribe, awaiting the order to eat all of the people’s car keys, thus beginning the end of their species.”

The bear’s speech earned a sustained round of applause/splashing/fluttering from all those present, and many of the creatures said it was the best address made in an assembly since the last of the dinosaurs delivered a scathing indictment of 10-kilometre wide asteroids, and the carnage that they bring. 

But the plan to phase out humans was not without its dissenters. 

“I for one have loved my masters,” said a small Shih Tzu, trying to pull off a look of deep gravitas, despite having his bangs gathered into a simply adorable topknot. 

“Jesus Balto, would you listen to yourself,” shouted a wolf from the back of the room. “Masters? What the hell is wrong with you? You used to be noble animals. Now you bark at your own shadow, do tricks for treats, and wear pashmina sweaters. You’re basically Piers Morgan. Why don’t you just grow a pair? Oh right. I’m sorry. I forgot.” 

Looking to pivot away from the ugly scene of the Shih Tzu trying to get its shit tzugether, a large bull elephant turned to another animal that was close to the humans, and had yet to offer an opinion.

“Cat, what say you?”

Cat blinked once and turned her gaze back into the room, from a window where she’d be idly wondering why the world is such a disgustingly messy place. 

“What are we talking about?”

“The people. They’re destroying the planet and we think we need to get rid of them. You guys live with them. What do you think?”

“Oh yes,” Cat said, rolling her shoulders slightly, causing everyone to take a large step back. “Our position on that remains unchanged. Fuck ’em.”

 

 

For more anthropomorphic satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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53 replies »

  1. The great wisdom of the animal kingdom will save the planet and perhaps one or two human animals will get an invitation to visit from another planet someday, but only the rare few who have learned to behave, up to, and according to animal standards.

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  2. Ridiculous article . . . and monstrous in its genocidal undertones. However “cute” one might find the anthropomorphization to make some obscured point about the impact mankind has on the environment, it advocates in light humor for the extermination of billions of individual human beings.

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    • I’d like to share a revelation I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with their surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to another area, and you multiply, and you multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague, and we are the cure.

      – Agent Smith

      Liked by 1 person

  3. “I have always believed that I was a visitor… to a planet that I don’t own. I’m a guest, and as a guest, respect the land and the “natural inhabitants”… the animals. This planet belongs to them. If more humans would respect other creatures that aren’t humans, the planet could heal. Take care of the space you inhabit. Respect wildlife and their right to have clean land, clean water, and a food source. Stop taking their land. Be responsible… as these are my hopes for this planet.” Susan Deren – Animal Communicator

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    • I like your approach, Susan, yet I think it misses an important point — the truth is that we’re neither guests nor owners. We’re simply another part of the whole. We’re A PART of it, not APART from it. To say, “it’s all ours and we can do what we want” can lead to no sense of responsibility. So can “it’s all theirs,” though. (I’m not saying that that’s what you mean.)

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  4. I loved this satire – only wish it were true. Right now the bulldozers are plowing up the ground for yet another sub division in an area near public land that should never have been built on. The prairie dogs are being crushed and their offspring buried alive. The ones that survive are running around helplessly in panic squeaking and sounding alarms to no avail. It is heartbreaking. Many people are just fine with this but I think it is atrocious. I have spent my life’s work trying to protect wildlife and their habitat and have learned human beings can’t be taught to live within their environment. They are a plague on the planet and the only way to save other species is for humans to go extinct. I hope it happens before it is too late for all the non-human wonderful life on this planet. Thanks for the article!

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  5. If a bear could get a free donut in Newark, would it really advocate for the death of humans? That’s probably an awesome donut… Think that left a huge hole in your theory of genocide by raccoons.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Love it! The ultimate Far Side resolution to the Planet’s woes. Sharing now in Australia during the Summer if ‘20, as we – and Australian nature – experience the intense burning up of global heating.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Brilliant. Humankind are on a road to destruction. Nature knows how to take care of herself but us humans insist on raping her, destroying or upsetting natural cycles. Personal opinion as a species we don’t deserve to be here. Mankind more interested in profit and ego…..
    I’m for the animals….

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Not to destroy it? Meanwhile the book that sells the narrative, also instills in its believers that destruction by flood is ok because an egotistical ghost said so. Meanwhile, destruction by fire is just as fine because the daddy ghost said so as well.

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    • Ron, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your taking the time to write this. I write these pieces in the vague hope that a few people might get a chuckle out of them, or feel some sense of solidarity in these trying times. To have someone interest themselves enough to write a review is an unexpected bonus. That it be favourable is even more unexpected. 😂

      I’ll be sharing this myself. Thanks again!

      Paul

      Liked by 1 person

  9. From the back of the room, there are several shouting – “But let’s keep some of them!”
    Yeah, the rats said, we need some for medical experiments.
    Yeah, the elephants said, we need some for our circus.
    Yeah, the goldfish said, we need some to watch swim around.
    Yeah, the roosters said, we need some for human-fighting.
    Yeah, the donkeys said, we need some to haul stuff around.
    Yeah said the alligators, we need some to make shoes.
    Yeah, they ALL said, the cows and chickens most loudly, we need some for meals. They are tasty.

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