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In Last Ditch Bid For Re-Election, Notley Begs RCMP To Investigate Her For Something, Anything

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“Please,” Notley said, begging. “Help me stop Jason Kenney. Arrest me for something truly awful.”

In a final push to gain the approval of Albertan voters, Premier Rachel Notley today demanded that the RCMP investigate her for something, anything, just please find a reason to question her fitness for office so conservative voters can feel comfortable voting for her.

Well behind in the polls, the current leader of the province indicated she would prefer any charges the federal police file against her be connected to electoral malfeasance. As is the case with her popular opponent, Jason “The Kamikaze-Chameleon” Kenney, who has wooed voters by displaying the very lowest of democratic standards throughout the lead-up to this election, and now appears poised to sweep to power on a wave of lies, and ensuing RCMP investigation into his actions.  

Looking to regain some sort of competitive edge with an electorate that apparently has no problem with putting a law-breaker in the seat of chief law-maker, Ms. Notley entered the Calgary offices of the RCMP early this morning, and advised the officer manning the front desk that she had a confession to make. One that he might want to sit down for.

“I once forgot to put my recycling out on recycling day,” the premier said, wringing her hands at having to admit to such a heinous action in public. 

With a sigh the officer returned to his feet. 

“I’m sorry ma’am, that isn’t an offence.” 

“I sent a text from my car,” the premier continued, beginning to panic. 

“Were you driving?”

Notley tightened her face, willing herself to lie. Just this once. For Alberta.

“No.” She admitted in a sigh. “I was in the passenger seat. And we weren’t even moving.”

Desperate now, the premier began confessing her darkest secrets.

“I drank alcohol in a park once.”

“Was it one of those gin smash things?” 

“Yes!” Notley shouted, hope lighting in her eyes at the prospect of a criminal investigation sweeping her to victory in the upcoming provincial election, as it appears poised to do for Kenney.

“Those are delicious,” the officer noted, taking a sip of his coffee and turning a page of his newspaper, a publication that had recently endorsed Jason Kenney for her job – because these days in Alberta; oil talks, while ethics walk.  

Clutching the man’s arm, Notley played her final card, informing him that while visiting friends in Edmonton in 1987, she parked on the street over night without a permit. 

“We can’t … 1987? No. Stop. Just stop. Ms. Notley?”

The premier nodded, hoping this was going to lead to some sort of incarceration. 

“I need you to recognize something. You’re a good person, and a fantastic leader. One with a nearly impeccable record, who has done a hell of a job for this province, at a very difficult time.”

Notley hung her head, knowing where this was leading. 

“And for that reason, you just have to go.”

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