“Early observations indicate it may well be the single most destructive animal we’ve yet encountered,” said Dr. Trey DeLightly, a scientist at the University of Toronto, and team leader of the group of researchers who today announced they had come across a new breed of bear in the wilds of Etobicoke. One they have already dubbed the “heir bear,” after observing that its main survival skill seems to be inheriting wealth that someone else made.
“And, in what we believe to be a first in the animal kingdom,” Delightly said, pointing to a photo of the bear shouting slogans at a recent press conference, “This bear appears to actually shit ‘on’ the woods. Rather than in them, as the old adage insists is a universal truism amongst members of the ursine family.”
In the case of the particular heir bear that the team discovered roaming the halls of Queen’s Park, it has taken its dislike of breathable air and sequestered carbon to the extreme lengths of getting elected premier, apparently so that it could cancel the planting of 50 million trees. As well as a raft of other future-undermining policies, as the bear seems to be quickly learning to shit on much more than just the woods; with education, healthcare, family supports, and decency in general also falling under its tawny behind.
But this pooping on our collective futures isn’t the only odd behaviour the researchers observed while monitoring the bear, using the new scientific method of watching the local news in horror.
“It is largely hairless, has extremely short arms that it likes to wave about while attempting to roar; and seems to have discovered hair gel and expensive watches. At some point it also appears to have learned how to drive excessively large vehicles, and at some point encountered a sale on blue suits.”
Asked if the bear was dangerous, and what the general public should do if they encounter a Lower Toronto heir bear in the wild, Dr. Delightly was adamant about both the risks this new species poses to the residents of the province, as well as the importance of standing up to it.
“Make no mistake, this bear is a generational threat that will alter the lives of millions of Ontarians, and happily cancel the planting of tens of millions of needed trees,” the doctor said, looking grimly out over the crowd of reporters, who had gathered to learn more about the discovery.
“But, and I cannot say this enough, if approached by this bear the one thing you should absolutely not do is play dead. Raise a ruckus. Contact your MPP. And for God’s sake, next time you go to the ballot box, do not vote for an heir bear.”