News

Scientists Rush To Discover Cure For Measles Other Than The One We Already Have

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Two re-researchers, ecstatic at the possibility of re-curing measles.

As the recent measles outbreak in the United States rose to levels not seen in 25 years – with over 700 people infected with the infectious illness, more commonly known as “the completely avoidable fever-rash” –  scientists around the world have been pressed into desperately searching for a cure for the eminently preventable disease.

“I have every hope that we will find a cure,” said Dr. Surry-Oustly, head of curable disease re-research at the University of Our Lady of Repetition. “Other than the perfectly good one we’ve had for over 50 years, of course.”

“Yes, it is a lot like being asked to give directions to the closest hospital while standing in the emergency room of a state-of-the-art health care facility,” the doctor continued, not looking up from the eyepiece of a microscope into which he was desperately staring, as he searched for a way to prevent measles that people wouldn’t turn on after reading 20% of a blog post. “But that’s the world we live in these days: a four alarm fire with everyone standing around arguing about the effectiveness of water as an extinguishant.”

Surry-Oustly is joined by thousands of other re-researchers around the world, many of whom have had to put aside other re-research projects to look for yet another way to cure measles that doesn’t cause autism.

“I’m just hopeful we can come up with something,” says Dr. Ann Lasorda, who has had to put her groundbreaking research into how to cure smallpox on hold, to tackle the equally unnecessary work of finding a new measles vaccine.

“We’ve already decided that whatever new cure we find will be given a nice name that will make people feel better about getting immunized. Something like ‘Organic Anti-Measles Milkweed,’ or ‘Traditional Fever-root of Life.'”

Regardless of what it ends up being called, the re-cure for measles can’t come soon enough. As many countries grapple with a postdoctoral public who don’t need none of that science to know vaccines are harmful, and part of a government-sponsored plot to fool them into not going blind and possibly dying, it appears a cure for measles is needed now more than ever before. Surry-Oustly sighs.

“Just not the one we already have. That would be too easy.”

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6 replies »

  1. OMG. This one had me in stitches, hospital-surgical-grade stitches! Favorite line among many favorite lines was about arguing over the efficacy of water as an extinguishment. Brilliant piece. Definitely getting shared on FB. Thanks, Paul.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I keep thinking of all those old folks stranded on an infected cruise ship until their medical records can be procured from doctors who have passed away. And no one says whether my vaccine which involved my mother purposely dragging me over to a measlely friend’s house to “catch” the dread disease means I’ve been vaccinated. Ah, the good old days.

    Like

  3. I had red measles as a kid because I was vaccinated too early in the days before they had the 18 month MMR shot. It was horrible. I can’t imagine how any parent would willingly want their child to go through that.

    Liked by 1 person

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