“It’s just an unusually high tide,” declared Maximus Denialus, a resident of the submerged city of Atlantis, as he made his 1,527th appearance as a pundit on the undersea city’s local Fox News affiliate, DSIX.
Speaking at a depth of 2100 meters, through an ancient rebreather made of soft coral and fish rectums, Mr. Denialus – a staunch Zeutian Fundamentalist – reiterated his belief that if the gods wanted Atlantis to take action to save itself, they would send some sort of sign. Other than encroaching walls of water, and permanent submersion.
“This is part of a concerted effort on the part of the rising sea level alarmists, who are trying to use flimsy ‘science’ to change our ways, all so they can take away our spears and push their dry agenda,” Mr. Denialus said, as he ducked under a desk to avoid a particularly curious basking shark.
“But we will not be so easily fooled,” he added, pausing to swap out the carbon scrubbing sponge in his underwater life-support equipment, and clearly looking forward to ending the interview so he could return home to the comfort of his manually-powered air lock.
And Max isn’t alone. Recent surveys suggest that – despite riding dolphins to work and living in giant clam shells – three out of four Atlanteans don’t believe sea levels are rising.
“As we say out here on the wet coast: ‘Falsum News,'” said one resident of the city – long believed permanently lost, until a recent discovery found it had simply been in the hands of a conservative government all these years.
“That’s just what those left wing whackos want you to believe,” the woman continued, flipping through the sodden pages of the latest issue of Home and Seabed, while she waited for her hair to dry. “Next they’ll be saying that powering our city on whale oil is unsustainable.”