News

Air Canada Announces New Direct Route From Alabama To Toronto-Area Women’s Clinics

Air-Canada-launches-new-direct-flight-to-Belize-from-Toronto

The new route has already been dubbed the Right to Flight.

In a move as unexpected as it is disturbingly necessary, Canada’s flagship carrier today announced that it would begin operating humanitarian flights between man-state Alabama, and Toronto’s Pearson International Airport. 

The flights will be free for any woman who presents herself at an Air Canada ticketing counter, says she is going to Canada to visit her “sister,” and then raises her eyebrows, lowers her chin, and looks meaningfully at the agent.

“As part of our ongoing initiative to use the modern miracle of flight to avoid returning to the middle ages, Air Canada is proud to announce a new, twice-daily, direct flight from Birmingham, Alabama, to Toronto, Ontario,” a spokesperson for the Canadian airline announced today.

She went on to add that a complimentary shuttle to women’s health clinics would also be provided – one that would be piloted by a rotating team of local women’s rights leaders, and would play a soothing selection of music for oppressed females, such as Lesley Gore’s ‘You Don’t Own Me,’ and Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Bombtrack.’

“Which goes, and I quote: ‘Cause I’m inclined to stoop down, hand out some beat-downs; could run a train on punk fools, that think they run the game. But I learned to burn that bridge, and delete, those who compete at a level that’s obsolete.'”

The announcement was greeted with outrage amongst hardline anti-abortion campaigners, and other people with extremely selective forms of compassion that focus exclusively on the rights of people seeds, but not those of the actual living trees.   

“If the Canadians – with their generally inclusive nation, and leader who uses intelligible words to express complete thoughts – think they can just fly in here on their airplanes and offer our women easy access to not living lives of quiet desperation, well they have got another thing coming. And that thing is Alabama,” said a man born in Montgomery in 1956, but whose thinking remains steeped in Canaan, circa 1600 BCE.  

“Figuratively speaking, obviously. As I have no idea where Canada actually is.”

Air Canada officials say they don’t mean to offend anyone with their new flight option, “But we aren’t opposed to it either.”

While many other states in the U.S. still offer sane, reasonable options for women looking to have some control over their own bodies and lives, the Canadian airline said they wanted to make sure that alternatives remained available no matter which way the political winds should turn in the coming years. 

“In addition to this new service to Alabama we’re looking into routes to and from Missouri and Georgia; and are prepared to go into any other state that chooses to file their political flight path under ‘Backasswards.’ While Roe v. Wade may well be under threat for our friends in America, we can assure you that modern air travel v. angry men with pitchforks an torches on horses, is a battle we will win every time.”

 

 

For more Canadian satire, follow  The Out And Abouter on Facebook, or @OutAndAbouter on Twitter.

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20 replies »

  1. preferably, I wish Air Canada would abduct the Alabama Governor, The Senate, and House of Representatives(?), members and airdrop them into the mountains of New Guinea where a tribe of pygmies would cook them up in a big pot and serve them to their women on Mother’s Day. A “Sick and Tired” Alabamian…………..

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey—why would you do that to the fine people of Papua New Guinea? Where, by the way, there are no pygmies…. I appreciate the feelings you were trying to coney, but don’t need to make insulting comments about a different country and it’s inhabitants.

      Like

    • Well, yes. They could very well pass a law allowing such murder. It is, after all, Alabama. What am I saying? It is a Republican state. As well. Alabama contributed two worthwhile people: Singer Hank Williams and scholar Angela Davis. I can not think of anything else.

      Like

    • If you were disappointed because you actually believed there was such an offer by Air Canada, I get it that you didn’t find it funny to discover they didn’t, but satire it is (and funny, too). Germans are (unfortunately) generally stereotyped as having no sense of humour, but the former chief editor of German satire magazine ‘Titanic’ explained the need for humour/satire very well in the aftermath of the Charlie Hebdo attacks:

      “Many of those unfamiliar with humour […] often make the mistake to try and reduce a joke to an unfunny and serious core message (and more often than not, it is based on a misunderstanding). On the one hand there are those, who want to obliterate the joke, and on other, there are those, who believe satire and humour about serious matters are only appropriate if it’s ‘meaningful’, ‘witty’ or whatever else. Of course it is nicer if humour also conveys a clever message, but even without one, it has great value. The more serious the situation, the more important humour becomes. Humour creates a distance to depressing events, it allows to speak improperly about matters which are properly unbearable.”

      Long live the humour! https://wp.me/p15KuE-qG

      Liked by 2 people

      • I’m not sure if “not satire or funny” means “I literally believe this to be true and yay, this is an awesome idea” or “I literally believe this to be true and boo, it’s a terrible idea”.

        Like

    • Those negative comments on the work are very similar to what Swift got for his Modest Proposal. I will not comment on the people making them, however, as perhaps they mean well. Well, even if they don’t. Please, Paul, ignore them as it is a sign that you are doing great work!!!

      Liked by 1 person

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