In a move as unexpected as it is disturbingly necessary, Canada’s flagship carrier today announced that it would begin operating humanitarian flights between man-state Alabama, and Toronto’s Pearson International Airport.
The flights will be free for any woman who presents herself at an Air Canada ticketing counter, says she is going to Canada to visit her “sister,” and then raises her eyebrows, lowers her chin, and looks meaningfully at the agent.
“As part of our ongoing initiative to use the modern miracle of flight to avoid returning to the middle ages, Air Canada is proud to announce a new, twice-daily, direct flight from Birmingham, Alabama, to Toronto, Ontario,” a spokesperson for the Canadian airline announced today.
She went on to add that a complimentary shuttle to women’s health clinics would also be provided – one that would be piloted by a rotating team of local women’s rights leaders, and would play a soothing selection of music for oppressed females, such as Lesley Gore’s ‘You Don’t Own Me,’ and Rage Against The Machine’s ‘Bombtrack.’
“Which goes, and I quote: ‘Cause I’m inclined to stoop down, hand out some beat-downs; could run a train on punk fools, that think they run the game. But I learned to burn that bridge, and delete, those who compete at a level that’s obsolete.'”
The announcement was greeted with outrage amongst hardline anti-abortion campaigners, and other people with extremely selective forms of compassion that focus exclusively on the rights of people seeds, but not those of the actual living trees.
“If the Canadians – with their generally inclusive nation, and leader who uses intelligible words to express complete thoughts – think they can just fly in here on their airplanes and offer our women easy access to not living lives of quiet desperation, well they have got another thing coming. And that thing is Alabama,” said a man born in Montgomery in 1956, but whose thinking remains steeped in Canaan, circa 1600 BCE.
“Figuratively speaking, obviously. As I have no idea where Canada actually is.”
Air Canada officials say they don’t mean to offend anyone with their new flight option, “But we aren’t opposed to it either.”
While many other states in the U.S. still offer sane, reasonable options for women looking to have some control over their own bodies and lives, the Canadian airline said they wanted to make sure that alternatives remained available no matter which way the political winds should turn in the coming years.
“In addition to this new service to Alabama we’re looking into routes to and from Missouri and Georgia; and are prepared to go into any other state that chooses to file their political flight path under ‘Backasswards.’ While Roe v. Wade may well be under threat for our friends in America, we can assure you that modern air travel v. angry men with pitchforks an torches on horses, is a battle we will win every time.”