LONDON – After less than three minutes of attempting to speak what he referred to as “some weird form of American,” U.S. President Donald Trump promptly summoned the services of a translator today while meeting with U.K. dignitaries. When a confused-looking linguist appeared, Trump immediately asked him what the hell Cheerios had to do with anything, and informed him that if the Brits were about to have breakfast cereal that he would like his to be of the honey nut variety.
“It’s a form of salutation,” the translator told Trump, as the president pulled a spoon from his pocket in preparation for the unexpected snackies.
“Fine,” Trump reportedly responded. “But I’ll pour my own milk.”
The decision to use a translator on a trip to a country that speaks the same language marks a first for an American president, or any other leader. Experts have been quick to point out this is simply another example of Mr. Trump flaunting the staid tradition of avoiding looking like an ass to everyone, all of the time, and instead rushing headlong into the history books in much the same manner as a streaker makes his way across a football pitch: disrupting the game with his naked attention-seeking, while daring security to tackle him.
The bemused-looking translator was again tested early when the visiting president met with Prince Charles, who embarked on a lengthy discussion of some of his many humanitarian projects, which Donald seemed unable to comprehend in either American English or English English.
“What does he mean, ‘Working to eradicate HIV and AIDS?'” Trump was heard to ask the translator loudly, as Prince Charles’ perennially-raised eyebrows managed to hoist themselves a level higher. “Why would he water a disease?”
While far from his first visit to the United Kingdom, Trump said that – with the assistance of an interpreter – this was the first time he’d had any idea what the hell anyone was talking about; which in large part explains his support for both Brexit and Boris Johnson.
Asked by the local press whether he didn’t find it embarrassing to have to pay someone to explain what people are saying in English, Trump paused and waited for the translation.
“They want to know if you find it embarrassing to have to pay someone to explain what people are saying in English,” the translator duly relayed.
“No. Tell. Them. Noooo,” the president responded, annunciating his words slowly for reasons known only to himself. “And. That. They. Are. From. A. Great. Country. Even. If. They. Talk. Funny. Now. When. Do. We. Get. Those. Cheerios?”